434. Memory problems…..

and muscle aches!

I’ve been having a lot of muscle aches and pains lately, and memory lapses. It’s starting to worry me. I’d kind off switched from zopiclone to diazepam at night. Above the recommended dose off course. No one seems to care, that I’m a drug addict, off sorts. They just keep prescribing benzos and Z’s without question. I’m digressing.

Anyway I reckon the diazepam was/is causing the muscle pains. I’ve gone off it anyway after one horrendous, almost out of body, night terror experience. I woke myself up screaming! Had the worst realistic nightmare I’ve ever had. Was physically shaking, heart racing upon awakening. It scared me. Zopiclone has never done that.

As for my memory, I put things down and instantly forget. I walk into rooms and don’t know why? Today topped it all. I was chatting to my neighbour and her doggy over the fence. I talk to Flynn (doggie) daily. Today though, I could not for the life off me, recall his name.

Like I said, I’m worried.

Loopy x

372. A gift from Mumbai.

I mentioned in a previous post that I’d ordered pills online. Since the clampdown on Uk online pharmacies selling sedatives, I’ve been becoming a little desperate.

I was expecting my account to cleared out, my identity to be stolen and that the pills would never arrive.

Today I recieved my little package. The contents perceptible by touch.  They’ve not even bothered with a box. 
I lied to my psychiatrist and CPN today.  I felt ashamed.  “Have you ordered any Loopy?” Nope, I have not……..

They’ve travelled from Mumbai to Coventry, and then Ireland.  I’m a little shocked, but now they’re calling to me; “go on, just try one”

So I have………
Loopy x

351. In the bus station.

Talking about your zopiclone addiction with a GP is never easy. Trying to do it over the phone in a busy bus station, certainly made it tougher. I wish they’d called me earlier.

So this week my CPN called my GP to discuss my reliance on sleeping pills. He promptly suggested 7.5mg for 1 week and then 3.75mg for a week, then stop. She agreed, not knowing my current usage. She agreed, having no real clue, what’s going on with me. I pretty promptly had to call them direct.

Hence the akward phonecall. A lovely GP called me, and we agreed a more realustuc plan. But she insisted I come in, whuch has been arranged for next week, with a not so lovely GP. I’m dreading it.

For now, Im getting 7.5mg and 3.75ng daily, dispensed every 2 days.

The change in regulations, governing online pharmacies in the UK is a good thing. But my addicted brain, is screaming at me to find a drug dealer. I’m not ready to taper off. I’m not ready to give them up.

Loopy x

350. Phenergen

You can have phenergen. I don’t want phenergen, I NEED zopiclone.

Regulations around the dispensing of z drugs and hypotics, have clearly tigtened up. i may have had a hand in this, previously having written to the GPhC and ministers.

Sites that allowed frequent orders and large quantitoes with few questiins asked, are now siddenly out of stock, under review, or worse; offering me phenergen imstead.

My logical brain is sayong this is a good thing, but my desperate addicted braon is panicking. I’m screwed!!!

My GP provides me with 3.75 mg daily, which I top up to around 12 or 15mg. I cannot sleep without it. I cannot cope without it. I cannot live without it.

Last night suicide beckoned. It sold me it’s delights. What should I do?

I’m desperate to talk to L or C, but I can’t.

Stop it loopy, you love your little boy. He needs you.

Loopy x

348. How do I stop?

I need help. My daily zopiclone usage is back to 15mg and rising. I’m craving the knock out effect. I’m craving the mind fog and slowed thoughts. When I’m alert at night, my mind races. It attacks me. It tells me I’m ugly, and stupid and useless. It tells me I’ll fail.

So I pop a zopiclone, which then rises to 2, and to 3, and to 4. I’ve been here before. How do I stop??

Added to this, is my daily ritual of throwing up my dinner. If it weren’t for the smell, I’d also do lunch, but I can’t easily purge at work. I hate my gut and yet the pounds keep creeping on. The scales register heavier and heavier. So I puke, but it has no effect.

How do I stop?

I wish someone would help me.

Loopy x

336. A weighted blanket.

Some weeks back, I purchased a weighted blanket. I’ve adopted the, throw everything at it attitude, in the quest for better healthier sleep.

I’m still too reliant on zopiclone. It’s my crutch. I feel like I need it and I’m afraid to attempt sleep without it. I’m just about managing to keep the doses low, but that’s only because my new blanket has been somewhat of a game changer.

It weighs 6.5 kg, but I think i’d actually prefer a little heavier. What you might be wondering is does it work?

I’ve been using it now for a couple of weeks, and although it doesn’t speed up the time to fall asleep, it does make me feel a little calmer. But best off all, when I fall asleep, it keeps me there. No more waking every hour. No more tossing and turning like someone possessed. When morning comes, I actually feel rested.

It’s possibly the best purchase I’ve ever made. If you struggle with sleep and nightime anxiety, I’d suggest giving one a go. It might just help.

Don’t skimp though, opt for the higher priced, better quality, beads that don’t budge options.

Loopy x

318. Wide awake

It’s a horrible feeling, when you crawl into bed after a looooong day, and BAM! your head hits the pillow and you’re wide awake.

My mind starts over analysing the events of the day, it worries incessantly about possible future outcomes, and tick tock, tick tock, I begin counting the minutes until I must get up again….

It’s the reason I’m craving zopiclone as I type this. I’m trying to cut back… just 3.5mg tonight…

I wish I had some help. I wish I had support. I wish I had L or C again but no, I’m alone with this. My new CMHT have pretty much abandoned me.

It’s going to be a late one 😦

Loopy x

305. I’ve ordered pills.

As part off today’s spending spree which includes a bike light, toothbrush heads, and charcoal toothpaste, I’ve also ordered zopiclone.

I can’t fully explain why I’ve bought them. I just know that I’ve been craving their sedation and I can’t resist the urge any longer. I’m not coping.. I guess today’s actions are proof of that.

I’m losing control….

Damn it Loopy!!! Now where’s that safety plan of yours??!!!

Loopy x

230. An addiction.

The only thing good about today, was the weather. I trecked into town for my Occi Health appointment at 11.30. I arrived only to be told it was at 10.30!! I never ever ever miss appointments. If I had political power I would charge people for missing NHS appointments without good reason. I’m so angry at myself. The Dr has very kndly agreed to see me at 9.00 tomorrow before work.

I had a CPN visit this afternoon. It was our first 1 to 1 appointment. I like her, and I’m relieved that I do.

Today for the first time, I confessed to my addiction. I’ve mentioned problems with zopiclone to L and B (other nurses) , but I’ve never said out loud that I’m addicted. Today I was honest albeit details are foggy. I’m crippled with anxiety in the evenings and I suspected it may be due to my taste for sleeping pills. I never take less than 15 mg now, sometimes taking 22.5. This can’t go on. My liver can’t withstand this abuse on top off the prescribed cocktail I’m taking daily. I need help, and today I kind off asked for it. She asked me if I’m ready to give them up, In truth I’m not, but my brain is telling me I need to.

Why do I continue to self destruct?

Loopy x.