305. I’ve ordered pills.

As part off today’s spending spree which includes a bike light, toothbrush heads, and charcoal toothpaste, I’ve also ordered zopiclone.

I can’t fully explain why I’ve bought them. I just know that I’ve been craving their sedation and I can’t resist the urge any longer. I’m not coping.. I guess today’s actions are proof of that.

I’m losing control….

Damn it Loopy!!! Now where’s that safety plan of yours??!!!

Loopy x

230. An addiction.

The only thing good about today, was the weather. I trecked into town for my Occi Health appointment at 11.30. I arrived only to be told it was at 10.30!! I never ever ever miss appointments. If I had political power I would charge people for missing NHS appointments without good reason. I’m so angry at myself. The Dr has very kndly agreed to see me at 9.00 tomorrow before work.

I had a CPN visit this afternoon. It was our first 1 to 1 appointment. I like her, and I’m relieved that I do.

Today for the first time, I confessed to my addiction. I’ve mentioned problems with zopiclone to L and B (other nurses) , but I’ve never said out loud that I’m addicted. Today I was honest albeit details are foggy. I’m crippled with anxiety in the evenings and I suspected it may be due to my taste for sleeping pills. I never take less than 15 mg now, sometimes taking 22.5. This can’t go on. My liver can’t withstand this abuse on top off the prescribed cocktail I’m taking daily. I need help, and today I kind off asked for it. She asked me if I’m ready to give them up, In truth I’m not, but my brain is telling me I need to.

Why do I continue to self destruct?

Loopy x.