446. Face to face again.

I’m a lecturer in case you’ve not been a long time follower. I’m a socially anxious, highly self conscious, paranoid being, but I took up this profession when my confidence was high. It’s odd really, walking into the room, I’ll feel a thousand eyes on me, my body will be trembling, and then I’ll do my little routine. Log in to the pc, take a sip off water as I stroll around my “stage” all non chalant. I’ll gaze at the crowd as if I’m counting them, but I’m not really.

Then boom; “ok folks we’ll make a start” it’s my usual opener, and something odd happens. My work persona kicks in and I act my ass off. I act confident and knowledgeable, I act professional and calm. I’ll field questions with a smile and speak happily with those odd few who always stay behind to probe further. I’ll get through it, and once done, I’ll take a huge breath and steady myself, for real this time. A cup of tea will be needed.

Tomorrow’s a short module intro talk, but I’ve not been in front off a crowd like this since March. Tonight I’m feeling grotesquely fat, ugly all over, and paranoid they’ll quickly realise I’m a mess. Time to hit the gym hard again. Time to up my Orlistat.

Thank goodness most of my teaching this year is remote. Just get through tomorrow loopy.

Let’s get some sleep, 15mg tonight I think, you’ve an early star

Loopy x

426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

422. Damn it Loopy!!

Last night, for the first time in about 2 years, I slept without any zopiclone.  It was a huge achievement, one that I wanted to continue tonight…. but no, I’m a dumbass and I’ve taken 7.5mg.  In truth I want 15!

It was OH’s birthday today and his folks held a little party, cocktail sausages and all 

It’s been the most social interaction we’ve had, and I felt very uncomfortable.  This evening I feel tense and stressed and annoyed at myself for feeling uncomfortable.  We also ate alot of junk and I’m feeling fat, fat FAT!!!

I don’t want lockdown to end, but it will, and I’ll have to face people again, and busy places, and gauping eyes and aaaaggggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

I want to hide away forever…. 😦

Loopy x

318. Wide awake

It’s a horrible feeling, when you crawl into bed after a looooong day, and BAM! your head hits the pillow and you’re wide awake.

My mind starts over analysing the events of the day, it worries incessantly about possible future outcomes, and tick tock, tick tock, I begin counting the minutes until I must get up again….

It’s the reason I’m craving zopiclone as I type this. I’m trying to cut back… just 3.5mg tonight…

I wish I had some help. I wish I had support. I wish I had L or C again but no, I’m alone with this. My new CMHT have pretty much abandoned me.

It’s going to be a late one 😦

Loopy x

283. The allure of zopiclone.

Yesterday I had an anxiety filled day. I went to meet a friend for coffee. I’d forgotten how uneasy I would feel on the train. Paranoia took hold, and I could feel a thousand eyes glaring at me.

Last night in bed, my head raced, and I once again found myself googling zopicline.

I didn’t buy any, but I came close. This particular demon is hard to shake

Loopy x

282. Afraid to answer.

I emailed my boss this morning, as I’ve not heard from him, as I was supposed to. His secretary replied asking for my phone number. The phone just rang, and frozen with anxiety and fear, I couldn’t answer

I can’t explain the fear. I can’t explain why today, all day, my stomach is in knots. Today I’m glad of my propranolol on prescription.

Today my head is running riot, and I can’t settle. Emotionally today is a struggle.

I’m frustrated

Loopy x

227. Finding my swagger.

I was good last night, I didn’t frantically try to cram notes into my head, I opted for the gym instead.

This morning I could feel the anxiety rising, but I flicked through my slides only once. I kept telling myself, you’ll be fine, you can do. By lunchtime my heart was thumping!!! I took a lorazepam. The lecture started at 1.

293 expectant faces glared at me, whilst I battled with the AV equipment.

A couple of finger taps on Mic to shuss them;”good afternoon everyone!!! I am Dr……. and today we’re going to talk about the heart”. By the first slide transition, there it was, I noticed my open stance, my strut out from behind the lectern; I’d found my swagger!!!!

An IT glitch a few slides in didn’t phase me, stunned silence when I asked them questions didn’t phase me, I had the nerve to probe, I was in control.

Now I will be clear that this was first year level stuff, and this is not a solid predictor of how subsequent more taxing classes will go. I should also say that this particular cohort had just the right mix of respect, broavdo, humour, and swots to allow the session to flow. They were a nice bunch.

I’m attributing some of calmness to the PRN, and I guess a non rushed prep which was afforded to me because I’m on a phased return.

That being said, I did well today, and it has brought some confidence.

Loopy x

183. 1 Beer

Tonight I saw old friends and we laughed and joked like old times. I was nervous, but thankfully they had sickened themselves with a few nights binge drinking before I got home, so there was much less pressure to drink. I nursed a Bud and stopped at 1.

We had fun playing board games and generally ripping the piss out of each other. One off my closest allies growing up will be off to Australia again in a few days, and it will likely be a few years before he’s home again.

I’m glad I came home. I’m glad I could enjoy the company off my friends and right now lying in bed, I’m glad that gale force winds and lashing rain are battering my bedroom window.

This is what home is meant to be like.

Loopy x

175. The Toddler Group.

I was nervous, sweaty palmed and my heart was racing. I wasn’t 100% sure where exactly I was going, but as I got nearer, I noticed a group of buggy pushers up ahead and I stalked them. Once inside, I watched other Mums and Dads greet each other, exchange tales of children running wild, and queue up. This lot knew what they were doing.

Little man’s name wasn’t on the list, and with a line of families behind me, I had to awkwardly explain why I was there.

The big hall was full of life; parents chatiing, toys being bashed, and little people causing havoc.

Little man was full of wonder and dragged me from toy to toy. About 20 minutes in, my guardian arrived. I’d not spoken with anyone, nor been spoken to, and Oh god I was glad to see her.

I don’t think this is the role of a nursery nurse but I was grateful for her support. On occasion she left me in the wilderness and I watched, a little in awe, as she struck up conversations with other members. She didn’t know anyone either, but she took it in her stride.

I’ve always been a little shy, but ballsy genetics from my father’s side have on occasion enabled me to fake it. Now though, now I’m a lost little girl, afraid of everything and everyone. I’m trying to find my way back, but I’m not sure if I ever will.

Looking for the positives, little man behaved better than expected and despite my fears, I pushed myself to go.

I won’t have my guardian next time, but I’ve agreed to go again. Who knows, I might even say hello to someone.

Loopy x

174. Nervous.

Tomorrow I’m going against every fibre in my being. All I wasn’t to do is hide away.

Tomorrow I’m braving a toddler group and I’m bricking it! I was supposed to be met outside, but a phoncall confirmed that my hand holder would in fact be late. I’m trying to be positive but my head has filled with fears;

The other woman will stare at me and mock me behind my back for looking like crap.

They’ll have there own alrezdy established impenetrable cliques.

No one will talk to me.

I’ll struggle to help littleman with any activities due to my crap sight or worse I’ll lose him in the room

Little man won’t play nice, will likely poop and throw a tantrum at something. I’m worried he’ll make a scene.

Wish me luck I guess, if I don’t bottle it. I said I’d go, and a nurse is coming for my benefit so I guess I can’t bottle it.

Loopy x