Unjustified, innapropriate rage!! I can’t control it. I hate myself for it. The simplest and most insignificant of things can ignite me, and I blow!!
Little man only wanted to go outside to play. He only wanted to do, what he’s always allowed to do. The weather is fierce though and I insisted no.
He ignored my insistence . He pushed and pushed and pushed me. Look! I’m blamng him!, but its not him, its me. For god sake Loopy he’s only 2!
I wanted to shove him through the wall. I wanted to plunge a knife into my gut!! I wanted to explode!!!
I did none of these things, but I don’t trust my self control. What the hell is wrong with me?
I’m in shock to be honest. I’ve just had a phone call from the occi health department of my new employer.
“The physician had a look at your forms, and is happy to sign you off as fit”
Really? You don’t even want to see me?
I declared my mental ill health on the forms and have been worried, really worried that they’d withdraw my job offer. But no, I’ve been given the all clear.
I intend to pay for private therapy. I intend to book regular massages and other enjoyable treats.
This is my fresh start. Do it right loopy, look after yourself.
Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!
I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.
You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.
How many people do you know, that would set up an interviews, whilst still in hospital? That’s exactly what I’ve done. It would be fine if I didn’t also have to prep a talk for it.
“How would you identify and quantify proteins and why is this knowledge important for medical laboratory scientists?”
I’m thinking about this, as I sit on the floor, in my favourite spot on the psych ward. It’s a bizarre experience. Tonight should be my last sleep in here, with tomorrow night being spent at home before discharge.
My interview is over Skype the day after. What in earth was I thinking!!! You need to learn to rest loopy!!!
Today was huge!!!! gut wrenching, nausea inducing huge. After 6 months of absence, I made a lunch, adorned my lanyard, swallowed some PRN (lirazepam) and went back to work.
I’m currently sitting in my old office, albeit slightly rearranged. I asked my boss if I could have it back; and he said he’d think about it, but within 20 minutes following our meeting I was informed that its current occupant has been turfed out, giving me my space back. My office space is something that is important to me. I’m on the 3rd floor of the building which means that I’m not subjected to same levels of student traffic as the main teaching rooms are on the floors below. Being “hidden away ” in this manner means less ad hoc student drop ins, less ad hoc concerns, complaints or general chat, which can quickly eat away at time preserved for tasks. I’ll still get the occasional knock but with less frequency than staff on the lower floors.
Coming back to work has been very emotional for me and I’m still feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. Colleagues have been lovely, with hugs and offers of coffee and no prying questions. I’ve just eaten lunch with a few but i really didn’t participate much in the conversion. I’ve lost that side off myself, lost all my confidence but it will hopefully come back.
A nice little work related task just appeared in my inbox this morning, not from my manager but from one of my previous students, who is applying for PhD’s. I was his undergraduate project supervisor and he wishes to use me as a reference. I am delighted to do that for him, and even more so because his email helped to ground me this morning. His email was my first interaction with any students albeit electronically., but it also provided me with an icebreaker manageable task to get my fingers typing and my mindset back to work. It was exactly what I needed. It also helps that he was a great student, and his reference will reflect that.
I’m now emotionally and physically drained, and really just need to go home. I shall leave soon.
Tonight my brain is working overdrive. There is now a plan in place for my return to work. I’m going back next Thursday 31st Jan with a 9.30 am start.
I will work 1 day next week, 2 days the following and gradually build up to 4 days per week.
In terms of days worked I now need to try and change little mans days at nursery. I didn’t get the Tuesdays off I was hoping for. There are reasons for this that I can accept, but it probably means losing out on the toddler group unless they can accimadatw me on another day.
I’m trying to be optimistic this evening. I’m telling myself that this is a positive step. Work will give me a focus, give me another reason to get up in the morning. Work will give me back adult conversations and a sense of status. I used to be proud of what I do.
Am I scared?; YES!
Am I catastrophising? YES
Am I fit to return?; only time will tell.
Can I do this?; Both K and CPN would gently stroke my arm and say YES. It has to be YES. There’s no going back now.
I’ve just completely broken down on OH. There are many reasons that I’m finding today tough;
I’m going in tomorrow to discuss my return to work and I’m not ready. I lied a little to get the nod from Occi Health and right now I’m regretting those lies.
I’ve had a psychiatrist review today and that’s resulted in yet another dosage increase. They have no answers either for my F##ked up head.
Today was my last contact with my CPN as she leaves to take on a new role. Words can’t describe how much this loss has floored me. She’s been my lighthouse in the fog, my buoyancy aid through rough seas and my corner man through every punch that life has thrown at me off late. I’m struggling to process this.
And to top it all off there’s just the weight of greyness, cripplung doubts and self loathing that I cannot shake.
As I’ve said, I’ve broken down on OH. He sat quietly for a moment, drank his mug of tea and has now taken himself off to bed to “lie down for a bit”
All I really needed was a hug. Can someone please swoop me into their arms?