Tag: stress

434. Memory problems…..

and muscle aches!

I’ve been having a lot of muscle aches and pains lately, and memory lapses. It’s starting to worry me. I’d kind off switched from zopiclone to diazepam at night. Above the recommended dose off course. No one seems to care, that I’m a drug addict, off sorts. They just keep prescribing benzos and Z’s without question. I’m digressing.

Anyway I reckon the diazepam was/is causing the muscle pains. I’ve gone off it anyway after one horrendous, almost out of body, night terror experience. I woke myself up screaming! Had the worst realistic nightmare I’ve ever had. Was physically shaking, heart racing upon awakening. It scared me. Zopiclone has never done that.

As for my memory, I put things down and instantly forget. I walk into rooms and don’t know why? Today topped it all. I was chatting to my neighbour and her doggy over the fence. I talk to Flynn (doggie) daily. Today though, I could not for the life off me, recall his name.

Like I said, I’m worried.

Loopy x

388. I’m safe.

I’ve caused so much stress and fear and worry. I had no idea, I still had followers from my previous location.

At about 5am thus morning, OH rolled me over and whispered softly; “loopy there’s a police man here to talk to you”  My instant thought was oh crap, I’m being arrested for possession!!

But no, he was here to check on my wellbeing.. He was here because someone identified a risk, and they acted on it.  He was here because someone cares. 

You know who you are.  (I wish I did too, so that I could call or email you, thank you, and reassure you that I’m ok.). I wish you were still involved with my care.

I’m not really ok, but this whole episode has prompted OH into action, it has prompted me to be more aware of the impacts of my actions.  I spoke last night to teary parents, and a cousin that the police had traced in efforts to find me.  I awoke to a phone inundated with missed calls and messages.

I’m going to demand more help.  I’m going to check out private care.  I’m going to somehow get through the next few days.

Whoever you are, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Loopy x

371. A brainwave.

I have a PhD but I’m clearly not very smart. I’ve been lecturing now for around 6 years, and in those years my poor eyesight has induced high levels of stress and sleepless nights.

I teach biomedical science, which by it’s very nature is reliant on many complicated diagrams depicting complex pathways and molecular processes.  The poor eyesight has been an issue, because I often can’t see the diagram I’m explaining.  Lecture theatre screens just aren’t that big!! (You may disagree)

I have therefore spent hours memorizing the orientation and specific location of items on the diagram so that I could confidently explain it.

Yesterday a light bulb went off in my head.  Lecture capture and screen capture technology has been around for years now. 

Loopy, you dumbass!!!, just make a recording of your explanations of the diagram in your office, with your large screen and huge notes.  Then embed it into your PowerPoint.

It’ll save you hours of stress and will actually help your students with their revision.

Flashback Pro 5, you are the best £60 I’ve spent in quite some time….

Loopy x

369. Dear family….

DISCLAIMER… Sorry readers, this ones rather sweary…..

Dear Family, Shut the fuck up, and fuck the fuck off!!!!!!!!!

My mental state is deeply routed in the constant judgement, and opinions that I’m subjected to.

“Oh he’s definitely autistic, sure you know what’s he’s like….. Why are you being so defensive!… you need to get him assessed.  You know he’s going to need support.  Sure he’s so odd.  There’s definitely something wrong with him.” .. Thanks for that dear sister, now fuck off….

“Sure you know there’s nothing wrong with him… Sure how would he not be odd, sure you and Daddy are odd a fuck.  Do ya know what he needs, a good slap once in a while. Sure he’s spoiled!! Yas have him ruined”…… Thanks for that dear mother, now fuck off!!!!

“Oh I’m not sure about that school, they’re very small. If he needs any help sure it’ll take years. Our J sent his children to HF. It’s a great wee school. You should apply there…..Thanks for that dear mother in law, now fuck off!!!!!!!

All I want, even just once, is for someone to tell me; “actually you’re doing a good job”  “he’s a credit to you both”

Not in my family….
Loopy x

343. Where has my confidence gone?……

and why is my head so foggy?

I gave a lecture today. I was nervous, and it showed. I fumbled my way through bullet points, searched my mind for factual recall that just wouldn’t come to me, and overall it was uncomfortable for me.

I could hear my own voice relayed around the lecture theatre and I hated it. My head is foggy though, forgetful and muddled. It’s very frustrating.

I don’t know if it’s my meds, or if this is just the new me now? Have my breakdowns done this to me?

On a side note, I now need to upload further supplementary resources for the students, to compensate for my incompetence.

Swagger, If you’re out there, look me up. I need you back.

Loopy x

327. Rage!!!!

Unjustified, innapropriate rage!! I can’t control it. I hate myself for it. The simplest and most insignificant of things can ignite me, and I blow!!

Little man only wanted to go outside to play. He only wanted to do, what he’s always allowed to do. The weather is fierce though and I insisted no.

He ignored my insistence . He pushed and pushed and pushed me. Look! I’m blamng him!, but its not him, its me. For god sake Loopy he’s only 2!

I wanted to shove him through the wall. I wanted to plunge a knife into my gut!! I wanted to explode!!!

I did none of these things, but I don’t trust my self control. What the hell is wrong with me?

Loopy x

326. The all clear.

I’m in shock to be honest. I’ve just had a phone call from the occi health department of my new employer.

“The physician had a look at your forms, and is happy to sign you off as fit”

Really? You don’t even want to see me?

I declared my mental ill health on the forms and have been worried, really worried that they’d withdraw my job offer. But no, I’ve been given the all clear.

I intend to pay for private therapy. I intend to book regular massages and other enjoyable treats.

This is my fresh start. Do it right loopy, look after yourself.

Loopy x

279. The interview!

Today was D day. At 2.20 I recieved the Skype call, and was faced with a panel of 5! I was grilled!!!

I’ve come away exhausted, sure I haven’t got it, but I’m not deflated. I’ve done incredibly well to do this, the day after discharge from a psych hospital. It has given me courage to apply again.

You did well loopy. Be proud of yourself no matter the outcome.

Loopy

276. The talk.

How many people do you know, that would set up an interviews, whilst still in hospital? That’s exactly what I’ve done. It would be fine if I didn’t also have to prep a talk for it.

“How would you identify and quantify proteins and why is this knowledge important for medical laboratory scientists?”

I’m thinking about this, as I sit on the floor, in my favourite spot on the psych ward. It’s a bizarre experience. Tonight should be my last sleep in here, with tomorrow night being spent at home before discharge.

My interview is over Skype the day after. What in earth was I thinking!!! You need to learn to rest loopy!!!

Loopy x

212. A post from my work desk.

Today was huge!!!! gut wrenching, nausea inducing huge. After 6 months of absence, I made a lunch, adorned my lanyard, swallowed some PRN (lirazepam) and went back to work.

I’m currently sitting in my old office, albeit slightly rearranged. I asked my boss if I could have it back; and he said he’d think about it, but within 20 minutes following our meeting I was informed that its current occupant has been turfed out, giving me my space back. My office space is something that is important to me. I’m on the 3rd floor of the building which means that I’m not subjected to same levels of student traffic as the main teaching rooms are on the floors below. Being “hidden away ” in this manner means less ad hoc student drop ins, less ad hoc concerns, complaints or general chat, which can quickly eat away at time preserved for tasks. I’ll still get the occasional knock but with less frequency than staff on the lower floors.

Coming back to work has been very emotional for me and I’m still feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. Colleagues have been lovely, with hugs and offers of coffee and no prying questions. I’ve just eaten lunch with a few but i really didn’t participate much in the conversion. I’ve lost that side off myself, lost all my confidence but it will hopefully come back.

A nice little work related task just appeared in my inbox this morning, not from my manager but from one of my previous students, who is applying for PhD’s. I was his undergraduate project supervisor and he wishes to use me as a reference. I am delighted to do that for him, and even more so because his email helped to ground me this morning. His email was my first interaction with any students albeit electronically., but it also provided me with an icebreaker manageable task to get my fingers typing and my mindset back to work. It was exactly what I needed. It also helps that he was a great student, and his reference will reflect that.

I’m now emotionally and physically drained, and really just need to go home. I shall leave soon.

Loopy x.