212. A post from my work desk.

Today was huge!!!! gut wrenching, nausea inducing huge. After 6 months of absence, I made a lunch, adorned my lanyard, swallowed some PRN (lirazepam) and went back to work.

I’m currently sitting in my old office, albeit slightly rearranged. I asked my boss if I could have it back; and he said he’d think about it, but within 20 minutes following our meeting I was informed that its current occupant has been turfed out, giving me my space back. My office space is something that is important to me. I’m on the 3rd floor of the building which means that I’m not subjected to same levels of student traffic as the main teaching rooms are on the floors below. Being “hidden away ” in this manner means less ad hoc student drop ins, less ad hoc concerns, complaints or general chat, which can quickly eat away at time preserved for tasks. I’ll still get the occasional knock but with less frequency than staff on the lower floors.

Coming back to work has been very emotional for me and I’m still feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. Colleagues have been lovely, with hugs and offers of coffee and no prying questions. I’ve just eaten lunch with a few but i really didn’t participate much in the conversion. I’ve lost that side off myself, lost all my confidence but it will hopefully come back.

A nice little work related task just appeared in my inbox this morning, not from my manager but from one of my previous students, who is applying for PhD’s. I was his undergraduate project supervisor and he wishes to use me as a reference. I am delighted to do that for him, and even more so because his email helped to ground me this morning. His email was my first interaction with any students albeit electronically., but it also provided me with an icebreaker manageable task to get my fingers typing and my mindset back to work. It was exactly what I needed. It also helps that he was a great student, and his reference will reflect that.

I’m now emotionally and physically drained, and really just need to go home. I shall leave soon.

Loopy x.

206. The plan.

Tonight my brain is working overdrive. There is now a plan in place for my return to work. I’m going back next Thursday 31st Jan with a 9.30 am start.

I will work 1 day next week, 2 days the following and gradually build up to 4 days per week.

In terms of days worked I now need to try and change little mans days at nursery. I didn’t get the Tuesdays off I was hoping for. There are reasons for this that I can accept, but it probably means losing out on the toddler group unless they can accimadatw me on another day.

I’m trying to be optimistic this evening. I’m telling myself that this is a positive step. Work will give me a focus, give me another reason to get up in the morning. Work will give me back adult conversations and a sense of status. I used to be proud of what I do.

Am I scared?; YES!

Am I catastrophising? YES

Am I fit to return?; only time will tell.

Can I do this?; Both K and CPN would gently stroke my arm and say YES. It has to be YES. There’s no going back now.

Loopy x

204. Swimming upstream.

I’ve just completely broken down on OH. There are many reasons that I’m finding today tough;

I’m going in tomorrow to discuss my return to work and I’m not ready. I lied a little to get the nod from Occi Health and right now I’m regretting those lies.

I’ve had a psychiatrist review today and that’s resulted in yet another dosage increase. They have no answers either for my F##ked up head.

Today was my last contact with my CPN as she leaves to take on a new role. Words can’t describe how much this loss has floored me. She’s been my lighthouse in the fog, my buoyancy aid through rough seas and my corner man through every punch that life has thrown at me off late. I’m struggling to process this.

And to top it all off there’s just the weight of greyness, cripplung doubts and self loathing that I cannot shake.

As I’ve said, I’ve broken down on OH. He sat quietly for a moment, drank his mug of tea and has now taken himself off to bed to “lie down for a bit”

All I really needed was a hug. Can someone please swoop me into their arms?

Loopy x

178. A deep one.

I’m not totally sure why I did it. I’d been fantasizing about it all day, and just now after a bike ride and a shower I’ve burned. It’s a good one.

My head has been fried lately trying to sort out my prescriptions with my GP and despite numerous faxes from my CPN, they continued to mess it up. 2 more phone calls today and I eventually made progress. But it was really stressing me out.

I’m still on only 7 days worth at a time, and to cover my Christmas hols I’ll need 2 weeks worth. I can predict hurdles!

Why is nothing ever simple????

Loopy x

161. A black fog.

A black fog has descended and brought with it dark thoughts. Everything seems bleak. I don’t want to leave my house, don’t want to interact with others and don’t want to talk anymore.

I am still going out (got little man a haircut today), I am interacting (lots of appountments) I guess and as for talking; I’ll try, I really will.

The term “high functioning” was used in psychology today. Is that what you call someone who’s outwardly “living” but inwardly “dying”?

Loopy x

150. Mum guilt!!!!

“Off course his speech is delayed, you abandoned him for months”.  O.k I’m paraphrasing but that’s what it sounded like to me.  I had a chat today with a new Health Visitor and a Nursery Nurse regarding my concerns over Littlemans development or should I say lack off.  It was an upsetting afternoon.

They were both nice but all I can think, is that my issues have led to my Littlemans problems.  I’m the reason his speech is delayed.  I’m the reason he’s been so stressed.  I’m his Mum and yet all I’ve done is damage him.

Advice wise it was the same old story, “Join some groups!”.  I swear every health professional in my life right now is reading from the same script!  Maybe if I hear it enough times, I’ll give in.  The HV did offer to go to one with me though as a “friend” so that I didn’t have to walk in alone, which in fairness might be helpful.

The thoughts that my Littleman would be better off without me, are very intrusive this evening.

Loopy x.

144. I have no stamina for this.

I’ve been at (real) home for two days, and I’m done. I’m glad to be leaving tomorrow. I find the noise intolerable, and the lack of alone time unbearable. My sister and her kids were here all day. I love them dearly but my Little man is grumpier in their presence and I simply can’t cope with the relentless screeches, fights, ear drum bursting noise and demands on my attention. Perhaps it is I that has ASD!

I needed this week to be restful, however it was draining beyond words.

I did get to see my favourite aunt though. I only wish I had longer to chat with her, and peace to do so.

Loopy x