206. The plan.

Tonight my brain is working overdrive. There is now a plan in place for my return to work. I’m going back next Thursday 31st Jan with a 9.30 am start.

I will work 1 day next week, 2 days the following and gradually build up to 4 days per week.

In terms of days worked I now need to try and change little mans days at nursery. I didn’t get the Tuesdays off I was hoping for. There are reasons for this that I can accept, but it probably means losing out on the toddler group unless they can accimadatw me on another day.

I’m trying to be optimistic this evening. I’m telling myself that this is a positive step. Work will give me a focus, give me another reason to get up in the morning. Work will give me back adult conversations and a sense of status. I used to be proud of what I do.

Am I scared?; YES!

Am I catastrophising? YES

Am I fit to return?; only time will tell.

Can I do this?; Both K and CPN would gently stroke my arm and say YES. It has to be YES. There’s no going back now.

Loopy x

204. Swimming upstream.

I’ve just completely broken down on OH. There are many reasons that I’m finding today tough;

I’m going in tomorrow to discuss my return to work and I’m not ready. I lied a little to get the nod from Occi Health and right now I’m regretting those lies.

I’ve had a psychiatrist review today and that’s resulted in yet another dosage increase. They have no answers either for my F##ked up head.

Today was my last contact with my CPN as she leaves to take on a new role. Words can’t describe how much this loss has floored me. She’s been my lighthouse in the fog, my buoyancy aid through rough seas and my corner man through every punch that life has thrown at me off late. I’m struggling to process this.

And to top it all off there’s just the weight of greyness, cripplung doubts and self loathing that I cannot shake.

As I’ve said, I’ve broken down on OH. He sat quietly for a moment, drank his mug of tea and has now taken himself off to bed to “lie down for a bit”

All I really needed was a hug. Can someone please swoop me into their arms?

Loopy x

178. A deep one.

I’m not totally sure why I did it. I’d been fantasizing about it all day, and just now after a bike ride and a shower I’ve burned. It’s a good one.

My head has been fried lately trying to sort out my prescriptions with my GP and despite numerous faxes from my CPN, they continued to mess it up. 2 more phone calls today and I eventually made progress. But it was really stressing me out.

I’m still on only 7 days worth at a time, and to cover my Christmas hols I’ll need 2 weeks worth. I can predict hurdles!

Why is nothing ever simple????

Loopy x

161. A black fog.

A black fog has descended and brought with it dark thoughts. Everything seems bleak. I don’t want to leave my house, don’t want to interact with others and don’t want to talk anymore.

I am still going out (got little man a haircut today), I am interacting (lots of appountments) I guess and as for talking; I’ll try, I really will.

The term “high functioning” was used in psychology today. Is that what you call someone who’s outwardly “living” but inwardly “dying”?

Loopy x

150. Mum guilt!!!!

“Off course his speech is delayed, you abandoned him for months”.  O.k I’m paraphrasing but that’s what it sounded like to me.  I had a chat today with a new Health Visitor and a Nursery Nurse regarding my concerns over Littlemans development or should I say lack off.  It was an upsetting afternoon.

They were both nice but all I can think, is that my issues have led to my Littlemans problems.  I’m the reason his speech is delayed.  I’m the reason he’s been so stressed.  I’m his Mum and yet all I’ve done is damage him.

Advice wise it was the same old story, “Join some groups!”.  I swear every health professional in my life right now is reading from the same script!  Maybe if I hear it enough times, I’ll give in.  The HV did offer to go to one with me though as a “friend” so that I didn’t have to walk in alone, which in fairness might be helpful.

The thoughts that my Littleman would be better off without me, are very intrusive this evening.

Loopy x.

144. I have no stamina for this.

I’ve been at (real) home for two days, and I’m done. I’m glad to be leaving tomorrow. I find the noise intolerable, and the lack of alone time unbearable. My sister and her kids were here all day. I love them dearly but my Little man is grumpier in their presence and I simply can’t cope with the relentless screeches, fights, ear drum bursting noise and demands on my attention. Perhaps it is I that has ASD!

I needed this week to be restful, however it was draining beyond words.

I did get to see my favourite aunt though. I only wish I had longer to chat with her, and peace to do so.

Loopy x

142. At the airport.

I’m currently sitting in departures, awaiting my flight home. I’ve not been home in months and I’m nervous about seeing family members again. How do I face my sister in law, who’s wedding I most certainly tarnished?

I also saw our Occi Health GP today and I’m feeling quite deflated. His recommendation is to hold off work until the new year. I’ve persuaded him to review me again in early Dec. Financially we’re a bit screwed.

On the bright side, I survived this past few days alone.

Loopy x

141. Keeping myself busy.

I’m afraid of time alone.  This past two days I’ve been on my own and I’ve literally not allowed myself anytime for rest or thinking. I had psychology today which gave me a reason to get up.  I’ve since vacumed and mopped all my floors twice, blitzed Little mans room, the spare room and all of downstrairs.  I’ve done 3 loads of laundry, I’ve gone to the gym, and gone out on my bike.  I’m afraid of those moments of respite that most people long for.  That’s when I start to think, self criticise, catasrophize and become self destructive.

I’ve slightly abused diazepam this past two nights. I’ve taken more than one really should; just enough to find some much needed sleep. I felt no ill effects from the 15 mg this morning.  Dancing with Benzo’s is a risky game, I know. I won’t do it once I have caring responsabilites again.

Tomorrow is another big day for me.  I’m finally speaking to Occi Health about my impending return to work.  I don’t feel ready yet and I’m mad at myself for not being ready. I’ve just read my hospital discharge summary again and to be honest it doesn’t really give the full picture. I guess I’ll have to be honest tomorrow, if I can.  I’ll have to check what information he is obliged to share with managers first.

Feeling rather stressed this evening.

Loopy x.


140. A Compassionate Letter.

For this weeks psychology homework, I’ve been tasked with writing a compassionate letter to myself. The last time I sat and wrote a hand written letter was when I penned my suicide note on August 3rd.  That in itself made this feel a little difficult.

I did give it a go, but I found this really tough.  The perfectionist in me wanted to plan it out, write it logically with good flow and appropriate paragraghs, but the advice given on the homework sheet was to just let it flow.  I’m not a let it flow kind of person. I feel like I’ve failed at this although I guess it will just take practice.  When I’ve written one I’m happy with I will share it with you all. I have a psychology session tomorrow and I’m not sure I’m even comfortable sharing it with her.

I ended the letter with “you need to stop binging”.  I’m struggling with food at the moment.  Even though I’m hitting the gym regularly the numbers on the scale keep rising.  I hate my fat disugusting body, which paradoxically makes me binge………….and then I purge…. I’m at a loss here. It must be the meds, and I can’t stop those. I really don’t know how to control this.

Loopy x.

136.A quivering lip that melts my heart.

As we pulled up to the nursery Little man was in good spirits. He clasped my hand as I led him into the toddler room.  Then it happened.  His little bottom lip turned out and quivered.  His eyes filled with tears as he saw me abandoning him, and my heart broke!

These are the moments that torture me.  Guilt swells from the pit of my stomach, and it crushes me, just a little more each time.

I want to be his caregiver, fun provider, story teller, dance partner, wrestling companion, mess making comrade, snuggle monster, and best friend, but our world is such that I have to work, and it’s killing me.

Loopy x.