I only thought life was hard before I came in here. I’m now terrified of the life I face when I get out. I emailed Little mans nursery today with a list of probing questions regarding my ASD suspicions and the responses were not in our favour. Why the fuck did they not mention it to me!!!!!
I’m so scared of our future now. I’m terrified and in all honesty I want to jump in front of the nearest train. I can’t now though. I need to fight. I need to get on track so that I can fight tooth and nail to ensure little man is properly assessed and supported.
I just need to fight…………How the hell do I keep going.
Sweaty palms, a racing heart and a real sense of unease. These are feelings I get regularly but never talk about. I’m always forgotten in here. I’m always one of the last to be seen to. I’m not loud, I don’t bang on the nurses office door constantly throughout the day. I don’t pester the staff (though there are one or two I’m more comfortable with). But I do have needs. These don’t get met because I’m too nervous to ask a staff member for somehting. I walk past the nurses office 10 times before I actually knock on the door. If they look busy it will be at least an hour before I re-attempt.
I’m a lecturer who can stand up in front of 200+ students and deliver a lecture, but when I go back to my builiding, I’m shy asking the office staff to photocopy something. I can’t ask for help if it involves interupting an adult conversation. I can’t ask for help if there are several staff in the office joking and laughing. My heart pounds, my hands become clammy and more often than not, I just walk by.
I need to somehow bring this up.
Today I had family leave. Today was the day to rip off the band aid and return home. Back to the sitting room and kitchen where around 6 weeks ago, I sat and wrote a suicide note, left out bowels of food and water for my dog, and consumed several packets of sleeping tablets. I knew it would be difficult.
It felt odd being back there. I was calm whilst there, made small talk with OH, drank tea, put the telly on and petted my dog. I held back my emotions whilst with OH but now that I’ve returned to the sanctuary of the ward, I’m struggling to process it all.
I can remember that day, and now, on one hand I feel tremedous guilt for almost putting OH and little man through all that, and on the other hand returning to some sort off normal life seems like an unsomountable mountain.
We face timed with litttle man whilst I was there and Granny has had his hair cut. He looks completely different; all grown up. I feel like I’m missing it all and there’s that terrible mother shame again. I also feel like our bond may be irreparable. I do love him though. I just want the best for him and I don’t think having me as a mother is best.
I’ve put them all through so much already that I feel like a huge burden and It would be easier for everyone if I wasn’t around. I can tell OH is stressed. Indeed I can tell both of our families are stressed, and it’s all my fault.
I’ve asked for PRN, and I’ve calmed alittle.
I guess tomorrow is another day, and I see my physcologist tomorrow.
I’ve been on a higher does of quetiapine now for 3 nights. Sleep still eludes me but today I’m feeling less knocked out by the quetiapine. I guess I’m starting to adjust. Today the overwhelming sensation is stress; which is a little easier to cope with than yesterdays suicidal ideation. I have no desire to ligature today.
Despite being in hospital, I’m still having to organise everything. Contact nursery, pay bills and liaise with grandparents regarding the care of little man. My head is going to explode. It’s a tangible and all to familiar feeling. It’s like a physical squeezing on my head.
I’ve also pulled a leg muscle which is frustrating as it means I can’t kick Wilson as much as I need to. How will I cope with the urges to self harm today? My mood is a little better though.