294. I get very attached.

Next week we are leaving our current house to move home to live with OH’s parents for a while. I’m nervous.

I’ll be under thr care of a new CMHT and the most daunting part of this for me, is that I’ll be losing my wonderful CPN. I’m gutted. When I find care providers that I like, I must admit that I do get very attached.

I was gutted losing L months ago, but C stepped in and for this past few months she’s been my rock. She’s supported me before, during and after my latest hospital admission. She’s talked with me, laughed with me and honestly has simply been frigging amazing!

She’s had a huge impact on my life, and I’ll miss her terribly. These losses never get any easier.

Loopy x

283. The allure of zopiclone.

Yesterday I had an anxiety filled day. I went to meet a friend for coffee. I’d forgotten how uneasy I would feel on the train. Paranoia took hold, and I could feel a thousand eyes glaring at me.

Last night in bed, my head raced, and I once again found myself googling zopicline.

I didn’t buy any, but I came close. This particular demon is hard to shake

Loopy x

282. Afraid to answer.

I emailed my boss this morning, as I’ve not heard from him, as I was supposed to. His secretary replied asking for my phone number. The phone just rang, and frozen with anxiety and fear, I couldn’t answer

I can’t explain the fear. I can’t explain why today, all day, my stomach is in knots. Today I’m glad of my propranolol on prescription.

Today my head is running riot, and I can’t settle. Emotionally today is a struggle.

I’m frustrated

Loopy x

254. Running Away

I wan’t to run. I wan’t to turn my back on England and all the mysery it has brought me and run!!!! Our landlord is forcing us to move out and yesterday I reciveved a message completely out of the blue, from an old friend who has informed me that his institution back in Ireland are recruiting lecturers. Last week I spoke with my CPN about giving up on everything here and running, and now I’m seeing “signs” that maybe its time to do just that.

Is it crazy to make such decisions now, when I’m so medicated, irrational, depressed and scared. Ireland has a different pace of life, I have family there, support there. I am more comfortable with its schooling system and ways. Would moving home help fix me??? This job is still a 4 hour drive from “home” but at least its the same flipping island. They could visit us, and we could visit them much more easily. Little man could get to know his cousins.

What would OH do? Should we live apart for a while? Would it just bring me the same mysery but in a different city. Should I just face the fact that life is not for me and end it?

I’ve spent today updating my CV.

I really don’t know what to do!!!! I’m sure I won’t secure the job anyway, but its forcing me to think and its stressing me out…………………………

Loopy x.

242. Chickenpox!

Nursery had an outbreak a few weeks ago. I’ve been watching little man closely, and this weekend; BOOM!

The spots are literally erupting before my eyes. We could really be doing without this right now. I’m going to have to take time off work. I’m not in any position to asking for time off, given my recent episodes.

Little man is grumpy. Indeed I would be too. I’ve had them as a child, but oh dear, tonight I’m feeling rather itchy.

Let’s hope it’s just a psychological reaction to having pox in our house. My immune system is probably already working overdrive. Can it cope with chicken pox?

Loopy x.

241. My thoughts were elsewhere.

I left work an hour early. I had errands to run. I needed to swing by a pharmacy (20 mins each way) , pick up my newly serviced bike, and be back in time to pick little man up from nursery.

But then…….. what a flipping Muppet, I missed my train stop! I’d gone 3 stops past before I noticed!!!!! This pretty much sums up my head off late. I’m just not functioming properly.

Now I’m home alone with a very grumpy toddler. It’s just us, this weekend. OH has had to fly home to see his Dad before a big heart op next week.

I’m not sure I’m going to cope. Physically I’m not feeling great, and mentally, I’m quite unstable.

On the bright side, my bike feels like new.

Loopy x

237. I made the call.

I was on the brink. I was alone and I was vulnerable so I called my CPN. By the time she called me back, I had calmed a little. I’m glad I phoned her though. I’m warming to her quickly and I’m getting more comfortable talking to her

But when I make these calls, they often ask; “what would make you feel better, or make things easier?”

Honestly I don’t know! There is no one thing that can be fixed to miracoulously cure me. It is, I guess a culmination of lots of little thongs. My hatred for my albinism, my struggles with my fear of gaining weight, my family isolation, my inability to drive,my emotionally absent, or rather equally drained partner, my stressful job, my mum guilt and my worries for little man, my feelings of worthlessness and incompetence, my head fuzz, forgetfulness and confusion (probably drug induced) and my inability to sleep.

There are 3 things right now that are probably slowly killing me. My dependence on zopiclone, my persistent self burning, and my regular binge/purge cycles.

Not one of these has yet come up in therapy, since losing K. This new therapist, although kind, is not the right fit for me.

How do I tell her?

Loopy x.