Tag: struggling

492. Tracking thoughts

I’m back in therapy and have been asked to keep a record of my thoughts etc, so this will be a growing post.

29th of July- Terrible nightmare. I woke in shock, flustered and a little frantic. In my dream Murphy died (my little pup). For some really bizarre reason we decided to throw his dead corpse on our fire. Just as the flames began to rise, Murphy woke up and stood staring at me in agony as the flames engulfed him. If you’ve ever seen one of those ISIS burning videos, it was very akin to those. If you’ve never seen one, please don’t look them up. Murphy moved around and eventually dropped, me watching terrified and guilt stricken, and devastated…….then I woke up.

30th of July- Depressed, heart broken and stressed. I feel like crap anyway these days. Pregnancy is really tough this time. I had an iron infusion last Monday, but no benefit as of yet. I’m tired, everything aches and I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m also sadly dreading the arrival of littlest man. I’m currently at home and today I cried as I watched little man being overwhelmed by all the kids that were running about. I cried as he hid away trying to escape them and I cried again when I overheard them mocking him. He can cope to some extent with one child, possibly two if he knows them well, but today’s 7 completely stressed him out. This evening it was then just him and O. They had great fun until O ran off to join the others. Little man stood and watched him leave, then begged for his shoes so that he could follow, then trundled home again sadly, forgotten by the group and left behind as they all carried on their fun. I can’t bear to see him so lost and sad. I don’t know how to help him integrate, I don’t know what to do, I feel so useless. I hate being home, his symptoms are always more pronounced here. I can’t wait to get back to our little family home.

Mum by the way caught me weeping. She just can’t ever be supportive or empathetic. ‘Well you should see what poor Sharon has to deal with and then you’d know about worries”

Thanks for that.

2nd of August- Very low, exhausted, worthless and a 2nd iron infusion. At the hospital my resting pulse was 125, and baby’s heart rate was up too, although it settled. The nurse commented; ‘you’re not yourself today’ She’s only met me once before. She was right though, I’m feeling crap today and I spent the whole infusion fighting back tears. I can’t explain my feelings or the cause of them. I’m really really sad. I’m not ready for baby number 2 and already going through the motions is draining me. I have that familiar feeling of; I wish I could run away. I wish it all would stop!

3rd of August- I’m struggling with little man. His mood swings and his temper are really grating on me. It’s partly because I’m so physically unwell, breathless, nauseous and all my joints are failing me. I don’t want to be pregnant anymore. I’m not sure I want this baby and the guilt of those thoughts is crushing me too. I can’t do it. I’m back at work but I’m not really fit to be there. I’ve no focus, no energy and I’m just hating it. I want to lie in bed all day, partly because I’m physically struggling and partly because I want to shut out the world. I threw up earlier due to nausea, but it felt good so I purged a bit more. I’ve been really craving self harm, and tonight I’ve finally succumbed to that urge. Right now it feels great but I’m sure I’ll regret this tomorrow. Little man is being really clingy again and I’m worried about his upcoming ASD assessment. I’m also worried that little bump might have albinism. You think I’d be o.k with that given I’ve experience in that area, but nope it would come as a terrible blow. Selfish huh?

5th of August- I don’t know who to ring! OH is working and I’m in agony. Excruciating ankle foot and leg pain! No swelling or redness so unlikely DVT. No cramps either, it feels more like a fracture but it’s not. I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE!! I I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE! I want pills, I want help, I want to talk to someone! I don’t know who to call??? ……….. Update- I have listened to hypnobirthing rainbows relaxation. It is hard to relax, I’m too sore BUT I’ve stopped crying and gotten my breathing under control. A bit calmer now.

7th of August. Why do I answer the phone? Sis just rang on yet another rant about our darling family. Went on and on about the usual put downs, mum drinking etc etc. I try to compartmentalise Mums comments these days into a box in my head called; ‘let it go, you know what she’s like, her opinions don’t matter”. —-still working on the title:)…. Anyway apparently her and sis were talking about a brutal murder in Dublin where a fella killed his ex girlfriend and how common these types of things seem to be these days. Mum off course has her opinion; “it’s the youth of today, ruined, spoiled, demanding everything and never being told no!, can handle nothing! and when they don’t get their own way they just can’t cope! Ruined!…. That’s not the bit that got to me though, it’s how she ended her little rant..”AND ITS THE SAME AS ALL THOSE ONES COMMITTING SUICIDE”………………..I’m angry, really blood boiling angry. Considering a revenge suicide, where I send letters and videos to all media declaring I’ve committed suicide, so that she can’t possibly hide the truth. Oh how it would embarrass her!! Off course I know this is just anger talking and since we don’t do healthy dialogue in my family I need to park this and move on….but as someone who has felt that low on numerous occasions, as someone who has been hurt by those times that mum is so ashamed of my illness, I just can’t ignore this. I can’t stop my blood boiling….

480. 1 to 1

I was admitted to hospital on Wednesday. I’m on a 1 to 1. I’m also in isolation until I get 2 negative Covid swabs. I’m feeling pretty crappy.

Not much else to say really. Might not get for my scan next week now. Not sure how I feel about that. I want to see if bump is dead or alive I guess. I have this horrible feeling it’s dead.

I wish they’d let me self harm. Just a little.

Loopy

478. Can’t keep myself safe

I’m really struggling. It’s been a tear filled Saturday and all I can think about, is just ending it all.

I can’t think straight, I can’t cope, i don’t know what to do.

What do I do, what do I do, what do I do?

I need time off work I think. I need a break. I need help.

My head is frantic, the suicidal thoughts won’t shut up. Please shut up!

Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!!

Loopy x

477. Breathe…..

The pressure starts in the crinkle on my nose between my eyes. It builds and moves to my head and my ears and I begin to hear pounding, louder and louder and LOUDER. Sometimes my ears feel hot, but not always. Finally it spreads to my lips and I can almost feel them swell. I can still breathe but it’s laboured…..and then I release………

It’s actually a little painful when I do, but then comes the rush of relief…mild euphoria.

I don’t know why I’m doing it, I don’t know what I get from it, and I don’t know why I want to do it again, but I do….

I don’t tie it, so even if I were to pass out, my hands would drop and it would fall away. It’s escalating though. I’ve done this in hospital, and rarely but occasionally at home. Today it’s all I can think about.

It always starts in the crinkle of my nose……….

Loopy x

473. I’m absent anyway.

My boys love me, but they don’t need me. The heartiest of laughs is usually heard when I’m not in the room, but listening from afar. OH does the dressing, feeding, bathing etc 90% of the time anyway. I don’t contribute fairly. I’m useless.

It’s funny how a few fleeting thoughts can become an obsession. What drugs do I have? How much do I need? When should I take them? It plays over and over and over relentlessly.

My head is a frigging wreck.

Loopy x

472. Scary thoughts

I’m done with this pregnancy. It’s a horrible thing to say, but I don’t think I want another child. I won’t cope with 2. I’m already terrible looking after 1.

I’m thinking about suicide. I don’t think I could ever harm an unborn child though. I’m feeling trapped, and scared…..and alone.

Loopy x

463. Live again.

My site was down and I had no idea. I was wondering why I’d been having no views. Was just about to quit writing, but it’s now sorted.

I don’t really blog for others, it’s a personal mental space for me to express my thoughts safely and anonymously. But not having readers, felt disappointing. I don’t know why. I guess you lot are my sounding board and it only works if I feel I’m being heard. It doesn’t matter who, just someone.

So now fixed, I shall continue.

Biggest thought today, is that I need to increase my Saxenda dose. I’ve started walking, but it’s not enough. I’m fat and need to fix it.

I’m also in a constant state of really wanting to end my life. But I don’t want to hurt anybody. When I’m out walking, I think go on Loopy, jump in front off a car. At least that might look like an accident. When I get home again, I think off the driver, the potential impact that could have, but if my family thought I died from an accident, would it be any easier on them?

Jumping in front off cars is no easy feat, I bottle it every time. Drug overdoses are easier, but not guaranteed. Hanging is really affective, but again I bottle it. Does that mean I don’t want to die? What the hell does all this mean?

I’m tired now, i’m always tired.

Loopy x

457. Tastelife session 4

I blog during the intervals. But first I ran down stairs for some comfort food. I need it!!

The drawing above is an iceberg we were asked to sketch down. They’re a big fan of journaling. Below the surface are my instant thoughts about what might have led to my disordered eating. Note I’m a comfort eater.

It’s a bit scrawled so I’ll type them here.

1. I feel ugly.

2. Someone died because off me.

3. Mum wanted “normal” children.

4 . Thin is good, fat is bad.

5. I’m a terrible mum.

6. Fat albinos look worse than thin ones.

7. When I purge more, I burn less (oh that ones caught me off guard!, dunno where that came from.)

8. Thinner feels better.

I’m exhausted, it feels very raw and it’s bedtime now. Oh I’d love some zopiclone!! Or a burn, or a purge or all of these things. I think I have a sneaky box off Z’s somewhere.

On a final note, and this might offend some, which is not my intent, but they’ve been pushing “faith’ again this week. It spurts from their mouths sporadically, and everyone except me seems to be receptive to it. It’s making me feel like the “black sheep”

We were asked to think off someone we’d love to meet or go on a walk with. My head was screaming; the founder of the theory of evolution. But his name escaped me. Off course; Charles Darwin!! You know this Loopy, but it’s probably best that you forgot. I said nothing…….

Loopy x 😦

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

445. Mortality

I’m going to die young.

Regular self burning , will one day give me skin cancer. The repeated damage and neglectful care, don’t help. With skin cancer though, I guess you have a fighting chance.

Then there’s my drug use, prescribed (although I’m forgetful with it) and the non prescribed. Taking higher doses of zopiclone nightly and now using my built up stash of Valium to manage stress {work mostly] and sometimes to help stay calm with little man

The problem with all these drugs, is they are processed by our livers and our kidneys. The liver may at least fight back a little being our only organ that can regenerate itself. Let’s face it though I’m on a path to cirrhosis and renal failure. The other problem with all these meds, is their longer term effects on the nervous system. Gradual decline in nerve function, memory loss and neurodegeneratiin await.

Did I mention the Orlistat? (now that’s my pancreas gone}, and the purging. It’s sooo harsh on my guts, my oesophagus and throat. Oesophageal and colon damage, and disordered eating won’t help my nutrition state. I just crave carbs!!

To sum up, I’m always tired and am full off aches and pains, and the colour off my pee is concerning. I’m muddling along with all those things but they will kill me……..

I’m comfortable with dying young. That’s the saddest thing off all.

Loopy x

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