246. Another rejection…

Yesterday my psychologist told me; “we can’t proceed with therapy at this time, you are too distressed”

This is not the first time I’ve asked for help and have been turned away because I’m too messed up. It was a devastating blow. Is it me? Why do people keep fobbing me off to other services.

Why am I impossible to work with? How on earth do I move forward when service after service keep knocking me back.

My thoughts race constantly, flipping from chores, to work duties, to self hatred,to my endless list of failings and suicide plans. Can someone please turn off my head?

Loopy x

180. Too many pills.

I need them, (to see me through the Christmas period) but now I find myself with too many pills. I’m googling OD effects, LD50’s and suicide successes. I’m thinking, now’s the time to consume them all!!!!

My thoughts are swaying to and fro; life or death. A shit life, or decades of decay in cold moist soil. A shit life, or broken families and a damaged child.

But then I’m damaging him. If I stay I’ll break him. If I go I’ll break him.

Can someone please fix me.

Loopy x

166. I wrote some notes.

I’m standing dangerously close to the edge, and it would take no more than a little gust to blow me over. My heads a mess. Two voices are jostling for position, and honestly, I’m exhausted.

I wrote some notes today; the kind of notes, that no one wants to find. A home vist and a gym boost have given me some strength. I will go to psychology tomorrow, and otherwise try to fill my day with activities that distract me.

I’m not sure I can do this much longer though.

Loopy x

161. A black fog.

A black fog has descended and brought with it dark thoughts. Everything seems bleak. I don’t want to leave my house, don’t want to interact with others and don’t want to talk anymore.

I am still going out (got little man a haircut today), I am interacting (lots of appountments) I guess and as for talking; I’ll try, I really will.

The term “high functioning” was used in psychology today. Is that what you call someone who’s outwardly “living” but inwardly “dying”?

Loopy x

157. Initiating self destruct sequence.

Everyone should just give up on me. I’m wasting everyone’s time. Today my biggest achievement was having a shower and braving the park with little man. We left once the little louts on bikes arrived. It’s pathetic really that it took a kind voice to persuade me.

I wish the world would just swallow me up. I’ve binged, I’ve burned and I’ve cried. I wish OH and little man would go away for a while, so that I could…………..

Maybe I just need sleep.

Loopy x

149. I wrote to the PM, (update)

I wrote in a previous blog (No. 120) about my concerns over how easy it is to purchase prescription medications online in the UK. This ease of purchase nearly killed me, and is a constant threat to my future well being.  Indeed as previously stated, I wrote to the Prime Minister.

My concerns have gained some momentum. I recieved the following email today.

Dear Doctor ———–,
My name is ———– and I am the Senior Policy Adviser on the Enforcement Group at the Medicines and Healthcare products Regulatory Agency (MHRA) – we are the Government regulator responsible for medicines and medical devices, an Agency of the Department of Health and Social Care.
I am contacting you in relation to you letter of 30th September concerning purchasing medicines online. I am sorry to learn of your distress and hope that I can at least offer some assistance and support.
The digital healthcare area is complex and straddles regulatory boundaries – there are areas of concern within Government and I have been working with other regulators – the Care Quality Commission (regulators of healthcare services), the General Pharmaceutical Council (regulators of pharmacists and pharmacies), the General Medical Council (for doctors registration) and our counterparts in the Devolved Administrations. Sadly, yours is not the first nor only example of supply of Controlled Drugs / Prescription only medicines in this way. This presents significant risks to patient safety and we are reviewing the legislative framework in UK and importantly, identifying the gaps. In order to investigate this, I would be grateful for additional information;
As Zopiclone requires a prescription, did you have one and submitted that, or were you offered an online consultation with a doctor through the website and the medicine was prescribed remotely?
Please provide the names / links to the sites.
Many of the points you raise are the responsibility of the General Pharmaceutical Council – as above, GPhC is responsible for activities in a registered pharmacy and, as I want to ensure you receive a full explanation and action can be taken, I need to contact GPhC and also alert the Care Quality Commission and General Medical Council. I wanted to check with you that I can share information with them. I wish to thank you for raising your justifiable concerns on this matter and I look forward to receiving your reply.
Yours sincerely,
 —————-

I’m not going to let this go.  Companies will be named and shamed. I worry for the safety of my future self and the safety of others with similar mental health demons.

Loopy x.