426. Social anxiety.

So the shops are now open and people are going friggin crazy, piling up clothes and underwear and homeware and all manner of crap. It’s insane.

I wandered out today for the first time in ages. Apart from my weekly jaunt to the pharmacy to collect my cocktail of meds, I’ve stayed pretty much hidden away from the world. Today has reaffirmed that I wish to stay hidden away forever.

As I walked up the street, entered shops and stood in queues, I could feel a 1000 eyes on me. Real or imagined, it doesn’t matter, the feeling is the same. I felt strange, uneasy and anxious. I wanted to run home, literally run, but I resisted.

Once in the door I reached for my diazepam and a huge tub off ice cream.

I’m eating Orlistat like smarties these days, and especially on days like this………….even though I cycled 21km this morning.

I need therapy, I need help, and I’ve no idea how to get it? I want to talk to someone. I’m bottling up all my insecurities, worries and stress again. My new key worker/CPN is possibly very nice, but I can’t pick up the phone and call her. I don’t know her, or trust her yet. The very first time we spoke, she said she’d check in again in a month, so roughly 2 more weeks to go. How is that helpful?

Come on loopy, your not a child. It’s not up to others to check on you, probe you, or read between the lines. Take control for gods sake!!!!!!!! you useless whimp!!

I feel an explosion coming

Loopy x

404. Blue in the face.

Literally….. tonight I hid in our laundry room, tied pj bottoms tight around my neck and I waited.

I waited for the throbbing head, the pulsing in my neck, my closing puffy eyes and unconsciousness. 

I was found, quickly untangled and checked over.  The urge has been building all day.  I had earlier spoken with a nurse and asked her to remove items.

The tipping point though, was dinner after which I felt fat far fat, so puked also losing my lorazepam. Already anxious and tense I rang little man to say good night. 

The call upset me.  He’s changing, growling up and growing used to life without me.  He and OH do well without me.

The path ahead feels monsterouus, and my reserves are low. 

I must stop self destructing. I’m ruining all our lives.

Loopy x

391. Night time feasts.

Last night after meds, I shovelled choclate and crisps into my gob. Previous meals, dinner and a supper scone had been purged, but damn it, I couldn’t throw up after meds as I wouldn’t sleep.

I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I’m desperate to burn.

I keep doing this; the nightime feasts. I wake up with wrappers on my bedside table, some of which I remember and some that I don’t.

Disgusting!!

Loopy x

386. Sheffield eating disorder booklet.

It bugs me that they’ve literally just printed off a booklet from another health trust, and they’ve not even attempted to adapt it, or personalise it.  I get that it might be a useful tool, but it feels like an after thought, something printed randomly from the web.  Plagiarised!!!!!!

Putting that aside, I will complete it.  I will attempt to log my feelings, eating habits and use of not so good weight control measures.  I will try.

It’s all so blah!!!!! But at least I guess, it’s a start at helping me.

Loopy x

383. I must

I must appreciate my son more.
I must love him, cherish him and protect him.
I must stop dreading our time together.
I must try harder.

I must create a summer studentship project.
I must create new module content.
I must create a scholarly research project.
I must publish.
I must try harder.

I must stop buying pills.

I must stop abusing zopicline.

I must stop purging.
I must drink more water.
I must stop self harming.
I must try harder.

I must call my best friend more. 
I must arrange to see her.
I must make more of an effort with OH and our families
I must try harder.

I must stop procrastinating.
I must be more productive.
I must set goals and achieve them.
I must try harder.

I must appreciate my life more.
I must stop dwelling on the negatives.
I must stop being a pessimist.
I must stop hating myself.
I must try harder.

I must accept my crappy eyesight, and ignore the constant stares from strangers
I must accept my life.
I must stop feeling overwhelmed.
I must stop planning my suicide.
I must lose weight.

I must stop wanting to quit it all.
I must get my shit together!!!!!!!

I can’t………………..

Loopy x

380 the lighter I get…..

The fatter I feel.  I look down on my grotesque lump of a mid rift and I shudder.  The number on the scale is going down excrutiatingly slowly, but I dont believe it anyway.

I’m fat, outta shape and ugly., and let’s be honest, I’m a drug addict. 

I’m getting no help over here, and I have no one to talk too

I’m struggling to keep afloat.  Today i purged at work, AT WORK and again after dinner at home. I then hit the gym already exhausted but the usuál mantra of run fatty run overode all my senses, so I ran.

!The crash is coming. I’m losing control. My chest is tight and I’m often oddly breathless.

I need help

Loopy x

378. Still nauseous.

A few days ago, I blamed this on drug withdrawal, but I was wrong. I’ve since recieved my correct meds, but the nausea has persisted.

My little jaunt to the gym today hasn’t helped   I’ve not worked out in days, it was worrying me.  So today, I pushed through the feelings of sickness, lightheadedness, and utter fatigue

JUST 10 MORE Kcal LOOPY, COME ON FATTTY; 10 MORE!!!! So 10 became 100, and then 150, and then 300.  I was in no fit state for this, but in the war between my body, and my mind….my mind won out.

Now home, I’m wondering is it just a mundane bug that will run it’s course soon, or is it much more serious.  I’m catastrophising, but I’m on a heck off a lot of pills; some prescribed, and some not  Are my liver, pancreas or my kidneys crying out for help.

The scales, by the way have finally dipped below 57kg.  56.9 to be precise, but is this actually a win, or is my body slowly giving up.

Loopy x

366. My teeth hurt

They’ve definitely yellowed, and look bad. I’m afraid to smile now. I’m so ashamed. Then add to this my new found general achiness and sensitivity.

Come on Loopy, start wising up!!you are ruining your teeth

Irregardless the urges to purge keep coming. They now sneak up on me at work, an escalation of the severity of things. It’s hard to hide the stench of puke at work.

Eating now makes my tummy bloated and sore. There’s one quick cure for that, and it works. It does reduce the discomfort and the expulsion of the calories soothes my head a little…..that is until the food cravings come again with gusto.

OH is oblivious to this particular struggle. I’m too ashamed to tell him

Loopy x

365. Nothing to say.

I used to find blogging cathartic but at the moment I just can’t be bothered.

It’s a familiar feeling. The stats indicate that no one is reading it anyway.

Posts would be treading over old ground. The cyclical feelings of worthlessness, ugliness and increasing hoplesness. What the hell is wrong with me?

On a side note, I’ve ordered pills. It sounded dodgy from the start. Indian voices on a crackled line have kinda prepped me for identity theft, a bank account clear out, and a package that will never arrive. If it does arrive, god knows what’s in them!! I don’t really remember placing the order, or consuming the choclate bar, whose wrapper I found on my bedside locker this morning. Life’s becoming a little hazy.

Loopy x

364, Muffin tops and camel toes.

It’s the new year and for many off us, that means RESOLUTIONS. Most of these will centre around health and fitness goals.

That can only mean one thing. Crowds of women flocking to gyms, squeezed into lycra. Don’t get me wrong, I admire their gusto. Today I sweat amongst them. But OH dear Lord!! I wish this lycra fad would end. I’m blind as a bat, but even my eyes gasped at the muffin tops and camel toes!!! I dread to think what someone with 20/20 vision would be subjected to.. Having said that, keep it up ladies, may 2020 bring you fitness and good health.

I’m starting the year at 59.15 kg. It’s a figure that does not sit well with me. I’m sporting muffin tops off my own. I feel grotesque. I can sense a working out frenzy coming. I don’t do things by half, it’s not in my black and white nature.

Let’s hope I can stay in control. Gym sessions, will at least, reduce my need to purge.

Loopy x