Tag: vulnerable

464. A bit of a scare.

I spent all day yesterday throwing my guts up. I’m telling people it was a bug. I don’t believe that to be true. I upped my Saxenda dose prematurely and I think that’s the culprit.

It was awful, like the worst hangover I’ve ever had. Vomiting, sweating, chills, dehydration, headache: the works!

It has scare me a little. Maybe I need a new approach or maybe I just need to go slower with the dosing.

Starting to feel a little better, I’ve turned to lucozade, and KFC. I always crave KFC when I feel like crap. There goes my diet!

Loopy x

459. My throat is raw.

I scoffed, I puked and I wept. Scoffed some more, puked some more and wept some more.

Tonight my arm is scorched white. I want to use an iron, a clothes iron, but I’ve resisted. Hair straighteners brought that wonderful sense of calm. The pain is so intense, that the calm feels all that sweeter.

I’m disgusting, I’m ugly and I stink. Literally stink. Bathing has felt all too much lately.

I want to buy Liraglutide. The Orlistat simply isn’t cutting the mustard.

Oh well.

Loopy x

450. Neglect

I’m an awful, awful AWFUL parent. I’m not sleeping, I’m tired and I’m short tempered. Today has been hell! It started with pure child neglect on my part. Little man was coughing so couldn’t go to preschool.

He got up at his usual 7am. OH was working, and I was in bed. Little man took himself downstairs. I could hear him, as all the doors were open, but I could not muster any energy to join him. I’m not sleeping. I’ve been zopiclone free now for almost two weeks. we briefly tried temazepam, but then we switched to prazosin. It’s prescribed off label for PTSD type presentations, to supposedly aid with sleep. It does fuck all.

Anyway about half 8 I dragged myself downstairs and little man, who is only 3 (nearly 4) had made his own breakfast, poured a bowel of cornflakes, added some milk, and successfully chopped up strawberries and blueberries with a sharp knife from our kitchen drawer. To be fair the mess was minimal, the chopped up fruit were fine, and there were no severed fingers or anything.

I felt sad though, worthless, unprotective, uncaring, and neglectful. My 3 year old is more capable and self sufficient than me at the moment. He deserves better. He needs someone other than me in his life. I’m going to damage him. I’ve already damaged him.

You’d think that such a stark realisation this morning, would spur me on to do better, for the rest off the day. You’d think I’d play with him, give him love and care, but no. Today I couldn’t stand to be around him. Today every laugh, or shout or cry for attention grated on me terribly. Today I fobbed him off with good old parent iPad.

I just want him to go to bed now. I want him to shut up. I want the noise to stop!!!

I can’t face another day tomorrow.

Loopy x

449. Diazepam is safe.

I know myself well enough now, to know that it’s not good when my head goes to these places. Diazepam is safe, frustratingly safe. I know this, because I’ve been searching. Frantically trawling for the LD50’s (a dose that would be lethal for 50% of the people who take it).

I’ve been searching as my get out plan. I’ve been searching because I have tonnes of the stuff in my drawer. I’ve been searching because I feel odd. I feel incapable of ever ditching my zopiclone dependence. The
Temapezam is giving me night terrors and awful headaches. Tomorrow I will be begging to have my zopiclone back.

Work is getting done, but very slowly and I can feel the pressure squeezing in on me. I’m forgetting loads. My head is just not retaining stuff. Names that I should know, escape me. Tasks that I should do, get forgotten. Meetings that i should attend pop up in reminders 3 days after the event. “Oh crap, I’ve missed another one!!

Little man is doing well, but that’s in spite off me, not because of any good parenting on my part. Take him away OH, just take him away.

So yeah, Diazepam is safe. Huge amounts can leave no serious ill effects, if caught. Diazepam is safe

Unless you combine it with alcohol………………..

Loopy x

444. Should I cry, or ….

laugh hysterically.? I’m lost for words.

Today I had a follow up call with the lovely lady from social services. She informed me that my CMHT are planning to discharge me from their care. It’s frigging laughable. I’m not much further on, they’ve done nothing to help me and now I’m just being dumped!! The CMHT haven’t told me this yet, but I guess it’s coming.

This little nugget of information was concerning enough to the lady from SS, that she is recommending a transfer to SS care. She is recommending that we have more input and family support. I guess she fears for little man. I do too.

As for the CMHT, fine, absolutely fine, FUCK OFF!!! I’m done with you anyway!!

Loopy x.

442. A lot to take in.

I’m almost too tired to blog. Today has been a rollercoaster.

Little man started preschool, we had a meeting with our health visitor and then to top it off we had a social services assessment with my new care co-ordinatior from the CMHT team in tow. Oh yes another new fecking care co-ordinator! I’d only met my latest one for the first time yesterday to then be immediately told, ‘oh you’ll have someone different from tomorrow.’ I nearly walked out the door right then..

I’ll never have them back, and I need to let them go, but oh my god, I miss L and C. The ladies who co-ordinated my care before we moved home to fix our lives. FFS Loopy, move on, it’s been more than a year!!

The lady from SS was lovely to be fair but jeepers it was quite in depth. She arrived and 3.30 and wasn’t gone til near 6.

Now we have the age old question to think about, by Monday. ‘What would help you?’

I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.

Loopy x

198. Call of Duty.

What are you going to do, to distract yourself?; it’s a question that i’m often asked. It’s relentless and exhausting!! Activity after activity after activity, all so that I’m not alone with my thoughts.

Today I dusted off our PS4 and whipped out Call of Duty. Psychologically speaking, sitting all day in front of our telly shooting machine guns is maybe not the healthiest. As a distraction however; it worked for a while. My eyes are tired now though, and I’m stuck on a level that’s frustrating me.

There’s a few more hours yet to kill before bed. What will I do now?

There are pills on my kitchen window sill and a dressing gown cord that I’ve been eyeing up lately in my bedroom. Half my head is shouting, just do it, DO IT NOW! The other half is reaching out for hope; YOU WONT ALWAYS FEEL LIKE THIS.

I am sooo tired……and scared……and alone……..

I was given yet another dosage increase today. A schedule of two antidepressants, a mood stabiliser, sleeping aids, 16 sessions of psychology, once weekly supportive chats………….and none of it’s working. My arms are raw and sore (and stink!), my stomach is rumbling since I expelled this evenings dinner, and I’m feeling defeated.

Loopy x.

179. A sucker punch to the gut.

Today I had my last psychology session and now I can’t stop crying. I’m not ready to say good bye.

K has been my one constant through everything. I first met her on the psych ward, and I liked her instantly. It has always taken me multiple sessions to “click” with a therapist, but not with K. Her warmth and kindness swept up my broken shell, and for those one hour sessions I was cacooned in a place of safety, a place where my thoughts and feelings mattered, a place where I could let my demons roam without fear off judgement or rejection.

K has been my advocate, my champion and my rock. K is the type of person everyone needs in their life. She got me, in a way that no one else has ever done.

She’d admit herself that we’re quite similar characters and had we met through different circumstances we could have been good friends.

I’m feeling this loss heavily. I’m feeling vulnerable without her, and honestly it feels like someone who I really care about has died.

I guess I now need to learn to navigate this world without her, and put into practice all the things we worked on.

She’d want me to take care off myself this evening, so I will try.

Loopy x.

176. Being reckless.

It’s pitch dark, chilly out, and I’ve just come back from a bike ride. I was asked the other day if I prefer the gym, or bike? I couldn’t really answer.

I prefer the gym for tracking calories burned, and the little competitive streak in me, thrives on turning my machines resistance up, just a notch above the guy or girl sweating beside me.

I favour the bike though, for sheer fun. 10 year old Tom boy Loopy rises from the ashes, and thrives on jumping kerbs, going flat out on hill slopes and leaning just a little to deep and fast into corners. On the odd occasions I can lose myself, and clear my mind, it’s magic.

Tonight though I’ve pushed my luck a little. I have no sense of direction, but something made me go down roads I’ve not travelled before. Something made me head for darkness and not care where I ended up. I was a little reckless and honestly lucky I found my way back.

I’ve been reckless lately, doing things I shouldn’t and holding back on the absolute truths of how I’m coping. My arms are a mess and my personal hygiene is crying out for a good scrub

Loopy x.

175. The Toddler Group.

I was nervous, sweaty palmed and my heart was racing. I wasn’t 100% sure where exactly I was going, but as I got nearer, I noticed a group of buggy pushers up ahead and I stalked them. Once inside, I watched other Mums and Dads greet each other, exchange tales of children running wild, and queue up. This lot knew what they were doing.

Little man’s name wasn’t on the list, and with a line of families behind me, I had to awkwardly explain why I was there.

The big hall was full of life; parents chatiing, toys being bashed, and little people causing havoc.

Little man was full of wonder and dragged me from toy to toy. About 20 minutes in, my guardian arrived. I’d not spoken with anyone, nor been spoken to, and Oh god I was glad to see her.

I don’t think this is the role of a nursery nurse but I was grateful for her support. On occasion she left me in the wilderness and I watched, a little in awe, as she struck up conversations with other members. She didn’t know anyone either, but she took it in her stride.

I’ve always been a little shy, but ballsy genetics from my father’s side have on occasion enabled me to fake it. Now though, now I’m a lost little girl, afraid of everything and everyone. I’m trying to find my way back, but I’m not sure if I ever will.

Looking for the positives, little man behaved better than expected and despite my fears, I pushed myself to go.

I won’t have my guardian next time, but I’ve agreed to go again. Who knows, I might even say hello to someone.

Loopy x