188. I can’t sit still.

I’m back in my living room, and I’m on edge. I’ve eaten too much today, gained too much weight over Christmas and every thought in my head is screaming, “get off your ass, you fat ugly b##ch!!

OH is telling me to chill and start tomorrow. I can’t wait until tomorrow, I have to go out now!


Loopy x

79. Fighting hunger.

I’m so hungry today.  I want to binge big time. I’ve had a gym session which was great but now I’m craving anything and everything. I’ve caught sight of my expanding mid section already today, thus eating is making me feel guilty.  Then the guilt just makes me want to eat.  I’m a comfort eater anyway.  I could  really do with a Leptin injection!!!

I must not binge, I must not binge, I MUST NOT BINGE!!

Wilson; Lets play ball!!!

Loopy x.


74. Lethal injection or a million pounds?

I honestly don’t know which one I would choose today.  There is so much conflict in my head. I’ve just caught sight of my expanding belly fat in the mirror and it’s grotesque. I’m thinking about my son and my OH and how difficult I am to be around for them. I’m thinking life’s too hard, and yet I’ve invested so much in it to get where I am now. I’m thinking my career is ruined.  I’m thinking my family are ashamed of me. My head is racing with the pros and cons of life and death.

Mornings are never good.

I need to kick Wilson for a bit.

Loopy x.

56. The whistling soon stopped.

I was still in my PJ’s when i caught myself whistling (see 55).  The whistling soon stopped when i got dressed and looked in the mirror.  There it was again, that realy ugly fat person staring back at me. I’m gaining soo much weight and I’m so pale and odd looking. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror.

Loopy x.

51. It’s important to document the ups.

I’ve just had a gym session.  You have no idea how much better I feel after the gym.  The problem is getting the motivation to go.  Because I complained a little about the lack of facilities, a lady now comes over from time to time to allow me to use our gym and that at the moment is enough motivation to make me go.  I’m not particularly fit by any means but when I wasn’t in this hospital I walked about 1.5 hours every day (part of work commute) and would cycle 45 mins in the evenings (2-3 a week) when OH was at home to mind little man.

So going from that to nothing was a bit hellish in here.  That’s were Wilson became my saviour, and now the gym has just boosted things a little.

Out of 10; right now my mood is about 5.  The highest it’s been in the past few days.

Loopy x.


50. Mood stabilised at the wrong end of the spectrum.

For anyone following, first of all thank you.  50 posts now but I’m still on my journey to find that elusive satisfaction with life, that will stop me wanting to end it.  Just to be clear, I don’t want material things, I just want to stop hating myself.

I am now on Queitipine twice a day on top of my usual mirtazapine and twice daily diazepam. The Quieitipine should be a mood stabilizer and I am finding that yes it does indeed stabilize ones mood.  The problem is that it appears to have done so at my lowest end of the spectrum.  I’m feeling very low today.  Missed breakfast and only just got up in time for lunch being served.  I tried on like 3 T-shirts when I got up, but they were too tight. The ugly person staring back at me in the mirror, discouraged me from eating much.

I also sat in my room for a bit before leaving it for lunch breathing into a Maoam sweets plastic bag to see if I could pass out, well not quite pass out but start to feel hypoxic.  I couldn’t get a tight enough seal around my face.  I need a bigger bag.

I barely slept last night, maybe that’s why I’m being odd today.

Loopy x.


21. An antipsychotic!

Well doesn’t that sound terrifying. Today it was suggested that we add Quetiapine to my daily cocktail.  The first thing listed in the BNF is for the treatment of Schizophrenia.  Ok I know that it’s not been indicated here for such reasons, it’s been indicated in a low dose to I guess stabilise my mood.

The problem off course with adding  more mood stabilising type meds is that pretty much all off them cause an increased appetite.  I was already binging and then compensating by purging on mirtazapine before coming in here so I worry about adding another hunger inducing drug into the mix.

I have a genuine fear of weight gain and already feel very self concious about my rolls. I was ill a couple of weeks ago with a stomach bug and my mothers kind words were “well at least you may lose a few pounds” Also trust me, Albinism is bad enough but an obese albino, well lets just say I couldn’t live with myself.

Loopy x.