I wan’t to run. I wan’t to turn my back on England and all the mysery it has brought me and run!!!! Our landlord is forcing us to move out and yesterday I reciveved a message completely out of the blue, from an old friend who has informed me that his institution back in Ireland are recruiting lecturers. Last week I spoke with my CPN about giving up on everything here and running, and now I’m seeing “signs” that maybe its time to do just that.
Is it crazy to make such decisions now, when I’m so medicated, irrational, depressed and scared. Ireland has a different pace of life, I have family there, support there. I am more comfortable with its schooling system and ways. Would moving home help fix me??? This job is still a 4 hour drive from “home” but at least its the same flipping island. They could visit us, and we could visit them much more easily. Little man could get to know his cousins.
What would OH do? Should we live apart for a while? Would it just bring me the same mysery but in a different city. Should I just face the fact that life is not for me and end it?
I’ve spent today updating my CV.
I really don’t know what to do!!!! I’m sure I won’t secure the job anyway, but its forcing me to think and its stressing me out…………………………
Oh my word, i cannot believe this is post number 250. I wonder will I ever make it to old age, will I look back on this someday, and recognise my struggles as a battle I have won, or will it just be some other lost blog in the vastness of the web. Thank you to those of you following, and to those who occasionally hit like. I’ve said it before but your support makes me feel just a little less alone in this world.
So today was one of those day’s that I’d like to forget. I was teaching all day, a science practical on the separation of proteins using Chromatography (a method that enables you to separate out and collect individual proteins from a complex protein mixture) The morning session ran o.k, however the tech staff messed up the storage requirments of our reagents and thus the afternoon session was a car crash!!. Nothing worked as it should, I had to make up fake results on the fly, reassure increasinlgy frustrated students that they had done nothing wrong, try to hide my own anger and remain positve, and somehow drag us all through the torment and failings of the afternoon. It was indeed a true reflection of science, in the quest for knowledge methods often fail, but for first years it was a little too strenuous, and I could see their body language change, their despair grow, and their enthuasisam dissappear. It was a hard day for all off us.
I needed things to work, I needed students to be content, I needed to take it easy today. I’m physically not right, and my CPN’s insistence that it is anxiety is not sitting right with me. I’ve had anxiety before but it would come in waves. The shakiness, the nausea and the head fog that I am now experiencing is constant. I’m barely functioning and if it is anxiety, then its hit a whole new level, that long term I simply cannot cope with.
I ended the day in floods of tears, with a colleague. He was incredibly kind, and supportive, but now I am ashamed, feel a little more vulnerable and wish I’d kept my tears to myself. My meds are not working, and I’m too “distressed” for therapy. My mood is destroying me, my lack of concentration is destoying my career and I’m struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have work to do. Quite a bit infact and given my recent slow pace, I need to crack on. Try saying that to a two year old!!. He bashed on my labptop keys, grabbed and clawed at my hands, demanded an endless supply of food and drinks and attention and quite frankly made marking assignmnets nion impossible. OH works many weekends and we have no one else to turn to for support on days like this.
Working under these conditions had the sensation of hearing nails on a chalkborad!!. I can’t be all things to all people and its stressing me out. Today I was crap at everything. Extremely inefficient at marking, irritable as heck (my feedback might be a little harsh!) and neglectful as a mother.
On top of that, my mood has been nothing short of erratic. I swung quite violently from alsmost resigning from my job, to suicidal, to hopeful, back to suicidal and so the day went. I’ve eaten far too many carbs in an attempt to find comfort and I’ve burned (Again!)
Last night, i did find sleep on my new regimen but it was broken, and I spent alot of time looking at my watch. I eat more when I’m tired. Tonight I want to knock myself out, but i won’t.
Tomorrow I face another day of nails on a chalkboard.
I survived!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this evening I’m feeling a little stronger. O.K I did not pull off todays practical with a swagger, but nor did I limp helplessly through it. There were definetly some head scratching moments as my explanations caused some students more confusion than clarity, and some of their rebutals made my head spin but ultimately I was able to remain relatively calm, relatively composed and most importantly adequatly competent to get us all through the session. Today was the closest I’ve felt to the old work Dr. Loopy. I was in control of 3 demonstrators and 60 odd students and it didn’t reduce me to the aticipated crumbling mess that I was after last Thursdays prac.
I am not firing on all cylinders just yet, but I have more hope today that i will get there. This evening I played with little man as OH went boxing. I then went to the gym upon OH’s return home. About an hour of solid cardio, a quick shower and tonight I’ve spent about another hour and a half preparing for my next big test.
Friday will see me stand, once again in a lecture hall, faced with a wall of students.It’s on the cardiovascular system, pretty apt really, as my heart will certainly be thumping? Tonight i finalised the slides: tomorrow I shall finalise my script.
I’m exhausted now, time for bed.
I’m lying in bed now starting to freak out. I need to sleep, I’m up at 6.
Tomorrow for the first time, I’m in charge of running a lab prac. Considering i walked out and had a meltdown last week, doesn’t bold well for tomorrow.
The morning session looks easy enough and so I thought; “o.k loopy, you’ve got this”. A couple of basic chem titrations to determine unknown conentrations of Vit C in juices and tablets. Simple!
Tonight though I’ve prepped for the afternoon session. I really need more time to pull it off with a swagger. The whole afternoon is dedicated to calculations, specifically paracetamol toxicity calculations and other mathematical tools to read blood parameters and figure out why our poor mystery patient is in so much trouble.
A practical on frigging drug overdoses!!! Seriously. Maybe next year I could suggest zopiclone toxicity. I suppose although this cuts a little close to the bone for me, I would never ever use paracetamol as a suicide agent.
The main problem with tomorrow is the sheer harassment I’ll get from students and paid demnstarors on how to perform the tasks set. It will be exhausting!!.
They better be able to calculate Moles per litre, and convert this into all manners of solutions. They better be happy with dilution factors and ratios. They better ace drawing standard curved and extrapolation of data. They better frigging listen when I talk them through things.
My head already hurts from the fatigue of prepping. Tomorrow, if I can limp over the line with these students, I shall count it as a victory. Tomorrow afternoon is definatly too much too soon.
I’m completely wiped out. I’ve spent all day marking, which took twice the time it should have. I guess I’m a little rusty.
My phased return does feel a little fast though. I did pluck up the courage to tell my boss, but I’ve still agreed to do a little more than I feel comfortable with.
I’m also ridiculously emotional. I almost cried on the train home, fighting back tears the entire journey.
I guess I’m a little overwhelmed. On the bright side I shall attempt sleep tonight without my trusty sleeping pills. I’m that tired!!!
Today was huge!!!! gut wrenching, nausea inducing huge. After 6 months of absence, I made a lunch, adorned my lanyard, swallowed some PRN (lirazepam) and went back to work.
I’m currently sitting in my old office, albeit slightly rearranged. I asked my boss if I could have it back; and he said he’d think about it, but within 20 minutes following our meeting I was informed that its current occupant has been turfed out, giving me my space back. My office space is something that is important to me. I’m on the 3rd floor of the building which means that I’m not subjected to same levels of student traffic as the main teaching rooms are on the floors below. Being “hidden away ” in this manner means less ad hoc student drop ins, less ad hoc concerns, complaints or general chat, which can quickly eat away at time preserved for tasks. I’ll still get the occasional knock but with less frequency than staff on the lower floors.
Coming back to work has been very emotional for me and I’m still feeling a little shaky and overwhelmed. Colleagues have been lovely, with hugs and offers of coffee and no prying questions. I’ve just eaten lunch with a few but i really didn’t participate much in the conversion. I’ve lost that side off myself, lost all my confidence but it will hopefully come back.
A nice little work related task just appeared in my inbox this morning, not from my manager but from one of my previous students, who is applying for PhD’s. I was his undergraduate project supervisor and he wishes to use me as a reference. I am delighted to do that for him, and even more so because his email helped to ground me this morning. His email was my first interaction with any students albeit electronically., but it also provided me with an icebreaker manageable task to get my fingers typing and my mindset back to work. It was exactly what I needed. It also helps that he was a great student, and his reference will reflect that.
I’m now emotionally and physically drained, and really just need to go home. I shall leave soon.