240. Hypotensive?

I’m not sure but I think my blood pressure has dropped. A combination of weight loss, hard gym sessions, weeping burns and my overuse of sedatives could certainly be the cause.

I’m nauseous, fatigued, have a reduced appetite, get dizzy, have headaches and I’m shaky, unbelievably shaky.

I hope it’s hypotension. My list of symptoms could also indicate a struggling liver.

I’m quite worried.

Loopy x

206. The plan.

Tonight my brain is working overdrive. There is now a plan in place for my return to work. I’m going back next Thursday 31st Jan with a 9.30 am start.

I will work 1 day next week, 2 days the following and gradually build up to 4 days per week.

In terms of days worked I now need to try and change little mans days at nursery. I didn’t get the Tuesdays off I was hoping for. There are reasons for this that I can accept, but it probably means losing out on the toddler group unless they can accimadatw me on another day.

I’m trying to be optimistic this evening. I’m telling myself that this is a positive step. Work will give me a focus, give me another reason to get up in the morning. Work will give me back adult conversations and a sense of status. I used to be proud of what I do.

Am I scared?; YES!

Am I catastrophising? YES

Am I fit to return?; only time will tell.

Can I do this?; Both K and CPN would gently stroke my arm and say YES. It has to be YES. There’s no going back now.

Loopy x

141. Keeping myself busy.

I’m afraid of time alone.  This past two days I’ve been on my own and I’ve literally not allowed myself anytime for rest or thinking. I had psychology today which gave me a reason to get up.  I’ve since vacumed and mopped all my floors twice, blitzed Little mans room, the spare room and all of downstrairs.  I’ve done 3 loads of laundry, I’ve gone to the gym, and gone out on my bike.  I’m afraid of those moments of respite that most people long for.  That’s when I start to think, self criticise, catasrophize and become self destructive.

I’ve slightly abused diazepam this past two nights. I’ve taken more than one really should; just enough to find some much needed sleep. I felt no ill effects from the 15 mg this morning.  Dancing with Benzo’s is a risky game, I know. I won’t do it once I have caring responsabilites again.

Tomorrow is another big day for me.  I’m finally speaking to Occi Health about my impending return to work.  I don’t feel ready yet and I’m mad at myself for not being ready. I’ve just read my hospital discharge summary again and to be honest it doesn’t really give the full picture. I guess I’ll have to be honest tomorrow, if I can.  I’ll have to check what information he is obliged to share with managers first.

Feeling rather stressed this evening.

Loopy x.