131. A Heart Attack.

OH’s father had a heart attack this morning. There calling it mild but lets be honest there is nothing mild about a heart attack.  We’re waiting to hear results back from his angiogram.

I can’t help but feel a little to blame.  My recent expolits have put a huge strain on both our families and I know OH’s father has really worried about us.  That being said; years of Type 1 Diabetes, and more recently poorly controlled blood sugars will have taken their toll. I do wonder though if I’m the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Come on Loopy, your a scientist, you know that it would have been a myriad of factors likely including the steady build up of atherosclerotic plaques. Nonetheless stress induced high blood pressure won’t have helped.

I’ve just come back from a bike ride.  It’s dark out and I managed to get a little lost; which is common for me to be fair.  It would be fine except my bike lights low battery indicator came on, and that’s not ideal when your not sure of the quickest way home.  I really must buy a spare and carry it with me.   I didn’t really want to go this evening. I’m feeling a bit anxious and uneasy, but I munched on some sweets earlier and the guilt forced me out the door. I also needed to go and buy a toothbrush as my handsome Little man decided he would scrub our bog with mine today!!!!

I’m glad I went.

Loopy x.

98. A Power Boost, a rave and the comedown.

So I did get to the gym today and it did boost my mood.  It’s amazing how well that works for me at times. The problem I guess is that it’s not sustained for more than a couple of hours.  I’ve noticed that my mood rhythm has switched and now I tend to crash more in the evenings (it used to be the morning).

It’s been an odd afternoon in here but I brought smiles to some of the other ladies by bringing out my laptop and taking song requests.  They even danced in the garden which was nice to see, particularly after the stressful few days we’ve had on this ward.

It’s now nearly midnight though and my head is racing.  It’s flooded with thoughts of little man, and work, and what to do for the best.  I’m going to see little man for the first time in weeks on Thursday and instead of being excited, I’m nervous.  I’m worried that all those thoughts of resentment and frustration towards him will come flooding back.  I do miss him now, but I’ve missed him before and when he came to visit, I couldn’t stand more than 45 minutes with him.  That sounds absolutely horrid doesn’t it.  I’m also worried that his little idiosyncrasies will be all that I can focus on, and that seeing him will upset me.

I also now stink of smoke from standing out with the other ladies.  I can’t stand the stench of cigarette smoke, and my clothes are now drenched in it.

I hope sleep finds me tonight.

Loopy x.

92. Fat as a butchers dog!

I’ve just pulled on my pj’s and causght sight of myself in the mirror.  I have more rolls than a bakery!!!! I am becoming grotesquely fat. I am disguisted in myself.  I’ve not had any gym sessions this week, partly due to my quietiapine hangovers (which today have eased) but also because the staff member who brings me over hasn’t come around.

Looking at myself is making me want to take a scalpel to my mid section.  Not literally off course but I would love to rid myself off this fat.

Feeling very ugly tonight.

Loopy x.

91. Consumed with worry.

Today I’m freaking out.  I blogged yesterday about my hidden concerns that my little man is showing signs of autism.  Last night I questioned family specifically on the topic as they are looking after him right now.  My sister reaffirmed my suspicions.  They’ve also identified little ideosyncracies in him.

I am shaking as I write this.  My head is completely overwhelmed again.  On top of everything else going on in my life at the moment this is just alot to add. It has now become my main worry.

Could this expalin our difficulty bonding?  Should I have spotted this sooner????

I need to ring our health visitor asap.

Loopy x.