So this is the wake up call I needed. It turns out that when you try to end your life, sometimes survival instinct kicks in. I guess that’s why I called 999, I guess that’s why even though I find myself scanning my room for hanging points, sharp objects and generally stuff that I could kill myself with, I don’t actually do anything about it. Although lets face it, that’s also in part because I’m checked on every 15 minutes. The only real way I can see of killing myself in here is to asphyxiate, but that won’t work as they’ll find me within 15 minutes and best case scenario I’ll be absolutely fine, worse case I’ll end up brain damaged and more of a burden to my family than I already am.
I could slit my wrists, they guard cutlery like it’s some sort of lethat weapon and I guess in some cases it is, but I do have a plastic box in my room that I could rip with a sharp edge, but there again, I’d just make a bloody mess, be found get stictched up and end up back were I started.
Should I just wait. That’s what I want to do. I want to order more zopiclone online, build up a stash, get out of here, find a time and do it right next time, but even as I’m writing this, I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe I can do little things to make life more bearable.
So myself and OH have started coming up with practical solutions to ease the pressures on us both. OH is going to get two fixed days a week off work. I plan to go down to 80% and then last night my Mum finally agreed that we could let my little dog retire home to Ireland and be looked after by my folks. I am devastated at the thought of saying goodbye to him, but we can never go anywhere or do anything because we have no one over here to mind him, so in the long run it will be better for us as a family. But it hurts. Oh my god it hurts. My pug was my baby for 10 years and feel like I’m neglecting him. Maybe just maybe these little steps will ease our stress.
So yes I can make these little steps to take away the pressures, but what do you do when your biggest turmoil and most devastating demons are in your head and you can’t send them away. It’s me I hate most of all when I look in the mirror and I can’t escape from me.