45. Obs’

So what are obs’?  Well obs’ in here are really how often staff check on you to make sure you’re not doing something self destructive.  I’ve just had a chat with our nurse; a big step for me.  Why did I do it?  I did it because today I feel extremely low, the same feelings I had 4 weeks ago when I OD’d.  I can’t really put into words those feelings but as we chatted, she commented that I need to survive if not for myself then for my family (I’m badly paraphrasing).

The trouble is those words meant nothing to me.  I do off course think about the repercussions my suicide would have, but today (and I know this is selfish), I do not care. My desire to leave this world is greater than my guilt for those left behind. I off course think of my son. These past few weeks have taught me though, that he would be very well loved and looked after in my absence.  He deserves more than what I can give.

I’m in a little protected bubble in this place, not the same level of stressors or responsibilities or societal expectations, that I’ll have once again when I leave.

I’m a horrible person.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way. View all posts by insideloopyshead