62. Lots of burning on the ward today.

Today we had to evacuate our ward as someone decided it was a good idea to set a bin on fire. I was pretty lucky I guess, in that I was able to go to a gym on another ward to pass the time.  I get to the gym almost daily now.  I managed to jog 20 mins on the treadmill which for me is a huge achievement.  I can’t run, I’ve never gotten any better at it but today I surprised myself a little.

Today though not even a successful gym session could clear the demons in my head. I battered Wilson off the wall after the gym and still no relief. I’ve self harmed twice today.  Firstly after the chaos of the incident had all settled.  I couldn’t settle my mind. It’s just been a negative day.  My thoughts were racing and I was feeling suicidal.

A visit with OH this afternoon went badly; I was unnecessarily sharp with him and just hard to be around.  Shortly after that I did the 2nd burn; a little deeper this time.  The psychologist summed up why I self harm perfectly today.  It hits a reset button.  It stops the racing thoughts, the self loathing and suicidal impulses; if only for a little while. .

I hate having to ask for a bandage, I feel so ashamed.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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