Today we had to evacuate our ward as someone decided it was a good idea to set a bin on fire. I was pretty lucky I guess, in that I was able to go to a gym on another ward to pass the time. I get to the gym almost daily now. I managed to jog 20 mins on the treadmill which for me is a huge achievement. I can’t run, I’ve never gotten any better at it but today I surprised myself a little.
Today though not even a successful gym session could clear the demons in my head. I battered Wilson off the wall after the gym and still no relief. I’ve self harmed twice today. Firstly after the chaos of the incident had all settled. I couldn’t settle my mind. It’s just been a negative day. My thoughts were racing and I was feeling suicidal.
A visit with OH this afternoon went badly; I was unnecessarily sharp with him and just hard to be around. Shortly after that I did the 2nd burn; a little deeper this time. The psychologist summed up why I self harm perfectly today. It hits a reset button. It stops the racing thoughts, the self loathing and suicidal impulses; if only for a little while. .
I hate having to ask for a bandage, I feel so ashamed.