I couldn’t stop eating today. I couldn’t cope very well with Little man and to compensate I just grazed and grazed and grazed some more. It would be forgivable had it been healthy options, but oh no today was all about the carbs and fat.
I really struggled today. People unaffected often wonder what depression is and how it manifests. I guess it varies by individual but for me today; it was wanting to cower in the corner and cry. It was wanting to lock my Little man in his room, so that I couldn’t hear his crying. It was wanting to binge. It was wanting to self harm. It was wanting to ring my CPN but not having the courage to.. It was wishing I had succeeded weeks ago in my attempt to end it all, and thinking about how I could succeed in future. It was feeling relieved when my friend text to cancel our coffee date. It was drinking black tea because I couldn’t drag myself from the house to purchase milk. It was thinking about how I’ve ruined my career and how I can never face my boss and colleagues again. It was feeling thankful when OH arrived home from work just in time to carry Little man to bed.
What is recovery? I guess it’s dragging myself to the gym despite my awful day, it’s resisting the urge to self harm and it’s being hopeful that tomorrow will be better.