124. Grazed and grazed and grazed some more.

I couldn’t stop eating today. I couldn’t cope very well with Little man and to compensate I just grazed and grazed and grazed some more. It would be forgivable had it been healthy options, but oh no today was all about the carbs and fat.

I really struggled today.  People unaffected often wonder what depression is and how it manifests.  I guess it varies by individual but for me today; it was wanting to cower in the corner and cry.  It was wanting to lock my Little man in his room, so that I couldn’t hear his crying.  It was wanting to binge.  It was wanting to self harm. It was wanting to ring my CPN but not having the courage to..  It was wishing I had succeeded weeks ago in my attempt to end it all, and thinking about how I could succeed in future. It was feeling relieved when my friend text to cancel our coffee date. It was drinking black tea because I couldn’t drag myself from the house to purchase milk. It was thinking about how I’ve ruined my career and how I can never face my boss and colleagues again. It was feeling thankful when OH arrived home from work just in time to carry Little man to bed.

What is recovery?  I guess it’s dragging myself to the gym despite my awful day, it’s resisting the urge to self harm and it’s being hopeful that tomorrow will be better.

Loopy x.

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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