382. Voicemail.

It’s gone and I’m devastated.  I rang voicemail this evening in the hope of hearing C.  Those of you following will know that C, was my 2nd CPN.  I had 2, when I lived away from home; L and C. 
They were quite different in approach, but equally excellent.  Some days days I miss L and some days I miss C 

Today, I would give anything to hear; “hey loopy, it’s C.”  She started every voicemail in the same manner, and tone.  It was a clearly practiced and unwavering greeting, and when I heard it on my voicemail, I knew the cavalry had arrived.  I knew someone had my back. 
She was logical and caring, and honest.  If C said she was going to do something, then she would do it.

I can’t believe her voicemail has been deleted.  I should have saved it.  I’m gutted. 

It possibly sounds a little creepy, but I’m sure we can all recognise our brains ability to associate emotions with memories, experiences and sounds.  C’s voice brings control, calm, support, empathy snd humour. God I wish I’d saved the voicemail!!!!

I’m absolutely falling apart.  My whole journey home today was filled with thoughts of jumping in front of a car, hanging myself over the back of my office door, swallowing mounds of zopiclone….. Anything, Anything to make it stop!! I just need a moment, I need it all to just stops!!!..

I’m sick of the broken promises over here.  “We’ll get you help for your eating disorder”.. “We’ve referred you to addiction services” ,”I’ll ring you back”” 

It’s all bullshit!! I’ve been “home” since last July.  The disparity in care is shocking. We have probably the highest suicide rates in the UK, and I’m not surprised.   There is no help here.  There is no route to recovery, and I can’t wait any longer. 

I need to talk to C……I need help.  Someone, anyone, please help me 

Loopy x

Author: insideloopyshead

On paper I have the perfect life, good career, supportive and loving partner and a beautiful little son. But today I want to die. It’s time to set my thoughts free. Come along with my daily mental adventures and gain insight into warped thinking and it’s hazards and maybe support me along the way.

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